How does it get to be Sunday night so quickly? Do the other days even exist? Sometimes I feel like time is flying by so fast that I am in danger of missing everything and that time itself is running out quicker than I can even attempt to snatch some of it for myself.
I’ve had such a busy week – lots of social occasions and many late nights. I am not a people person, as I may have mentioned before. I don’t feel energised around other people, I don’t thrive in social situations. I feel nervous and timid and unsure of myself. This week has meant a lot of that. Birthday parties, farewell parties, sporting events and work commitments has meant my usual shy and reclusive self has had to be “on show” and participate in social activities. I’m not good at that stuff. My brain switches off and tongue ties in knots, I feel fat and ugly and useless and unable to string two words together. I feel untalented and like a phoney – like people will eventually discover I’m not good at anything and that I’m boring and uninteresting and have no right being around other people. My social anxiety and shyness has gotten so much worse over the last couple of years and I feel constantly like I let people down and that I’m a disappointment to my family and friends, and especially my husband. Even writing this blog takes far longer than it should, mostly because I write and re-write my entries, worried that people aren’t going to like what I have to say or that I will alienate people with my words of worry and pessimism.
I want to be upbeat and optimistic, able to laugh at my own issues and make fun of my insecurities. I want to be able to embrace the weirdo in me and not feel like I have to apologise for who I am. The problem is, I don’t know who that is. And it’s getting increasingly hard to figure it out. And I feel like I’m running out of time.
But I’m ok. Just sad today. Possibly slightly hormonal (there’s always that excuse!). Tired.
I’d like to show you what I’ve been making today but I’ve left it too late to take decent pictures (don’t I always?) and it’s getting cold now and I should pack up, get the laundry in and think about what to have for dinner. I have a dining table covered in papers and glue and other craft stuff that will take me an age to put away. Even time for tidying goes by so quickly.
I’m sorry to be miserable. I’m struggling at the moment and I have to tell you because it’s real life and I can’t keep pretending that everything is ok because that doesn’t get me anywhere. But maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I hope so. And I hope you will all stick by me even if it isn’t. Especially if it isn’t.
Thank you for listening to me. I hope you’re all doing ok. x