Anniversary

Anniversary

Four years ago today I was admitted to hospital with meningococcal meningitis.  Four years ago.  Seems like just yesterday but, at the same time, a million years ago.  My life was changed that day and so was I.  I’ve been trying to come up with some waffling post about how I was surrounded by all these amazing angels – my family and friends, the hospital staff, my workmates – but there is no way of summing up how I feel about everyone without sounding my usual soppy and overly-dramatic self.  I love you all for taking care of me, for being there for me and for not giving up on me, even when I had already given up on myself.  I remember that time as frightening (you can’t imagine how scared I was and I know I was a bit of a baby).  Every day was exhausting.  I was terrified I wouldn’t walk again, frantic at the thought of losing fingers and toes, worried that I would never regain my sight properly, filled with despair at the thought of a future on dialysis and what that would mean for me and my marriage, my career, my plans.  I hated being unable to do anything, to wash and dress myself, to feed myself and brush my own hair.  I hated being dependent on everyone for everything I needed.  I hated that I was putting everyone through this and that I couldn’t make things better.  I hated that my new husband of only a few months had to become my nursemaid and babysitter and how that changed our relationship forever.  I hated the physiotherapy and the rehab, the wheelchairs and those horrible crutches.  I hated the vertigo and the exhaustion, the nerve pain and the nausea.  I hated feeling useless and being unable to work for such a long time.

I hated all of it.  Except for one thing.  The love.  And this is the soppy part so get ready for it.  I was the luckiest person in that hospital.  I didn’t feel like it at the time – in fact I kept asking why I was so un-lucky – but I was blessed and I am so very grateful to everyone who helped me to keep going and, in all honesty, gave me something to come back for when my body was trying to give up on me.
People have said I was strong and brave, but I will tell you now I was neither of those things, not even remotely.  I was scared and more than a little bit pathetic.  But I WAS loved and that is what saved me and helped me get well.  It’s what still saves me every day.  Without all of you I wouldn’t be here and that’s the truth.
Lots of love to you all – and you know who you are – I can never thank you enough.
Soppiness over with now.  Let’s move on.  That’s what I am trying to do.
 xxx

Image

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Anniversary

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s