Tunnelling towards something is better than trying to punch someone in the face…

Tunnelling towards something is better than trying to punch someone in the face…

I found out today (on Facebook – the bringer of all news, good, bad, true and speculative) that hubby (I still haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to refer to him as, so he’s still hubby for now until we’re actually divorced.  Then I will have to get used to saying “My ex”) is possibly going to have his girlfriend move in.  In to what was OUR home.  Less than 9 months after we separated.  Which seems very quick to me but maybe that’s how it goes.  For someone like me, who procrastinates and can’t make decisions, it just seems a little fast.  I still haven’t bought myself a proper couch, let alone moved someone else in with me.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised or upset by this. I have moved on and gotten my life together.  I’m doing ok and paying my bills, working and nesting and building a home for myself on my own, knowing I might be alone forever now.  And, on and off, I’ve been ok with that.  I haven’t been harbouring any secret dreams about us getting back together, of him coming to me and begging for my forgiveness.  I haven’t.  I dream about him all the time, but they’re always horrible dreams of him leaving me all over again and being nasty and me trying to win his attention or affection.  So even my subconscious is saying “He’s a jerk”.

But it still hurts.  I think it hurts even more knowing who the girl in question is and knowing that my hunch about them being involved even while we were still together was correct.  It’s a bit of a smack in the face (with a wet fish – a big, slimy, stinky fish).  I don’t want it to be, and I wish I could just go “Oh well..” and get past it, but right now it stings.  Because I couldn’t make him happy and I don’t matter.  It’s the not mattering that hurts the most, the not being important in even the smallest way.  I’m “stuff-you-scrape-off-the-bottom-of-your-shoe” insignificant.  And maybe that’s the way it is supposed to be when you break up with someone.  But it makes me keep thinking I must be a terrible person to not matter to someone who once cared for me.

But I’m ok.  I’m just venting.  It’s late and I’m tired and probably won’t sleep while I digest this new info and try to figure out its place in the world.  I might not even post this because I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be putting this kind of morose stuff on here.  People don’t read my blog in order to hear me whinging about my broken heart.  I should be upbeat and fun!  Crafty and creative!  Inspirational and motivational!  Funny and self-deprecating!  But then I would be lying.  At least for tonight when I am a little bit hormonal and am allowing myself a little bit of wallowing and sadness.  I’m getting better at not wallowing.  I’m an expert wallower.  Have been for years. I could wallow for Australia.  If wallowing was an Olympic sport, my shelves would be littered with gold medals and pictures of me standing on those little podium thingies with a bunch of flowers, wearing an unattractive track-suit and waving at crowds of people as they cheer at my amazing wallowing finesse).  But that’s not good enough for me any more.  Instead of digging myself a big, dark hole to climb in, I’m trying to take a different direction and maybe tunnel a little first, see where it takes me.  If there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and there usually is, I will go towards it and emerge at the other end, a little bit tired and grubby, blinking a lot and probably coughing and wheezing, but at least back out in the light.  And hopefully not wearing a track-suit.  They make me look a little hippy.

I hope I can be important to someone again.  But for now, I have to try and be that person for myself. 

Thank you for listening  x






5 thoughts on “Tunnelling towards something is better than trying to punch someone in the face…

  1. Hari Om,

    You just opened your heart out in your post and while reading I felt the tinge of pain that you are feeling in your heart right now. I cannot change that feeling but I can share some of my experiences with you which you might find helpful.
    Since I’ve a strong philosophical background I cannot stop myself from philosophizing things. 😉

    4 Years ago my long term relationship ended in a mess. I was disheartened, heartbroken and hopeless about my life. As few months passed by I felt suffocated carrying those feelings of sadness. I felt as if all my happiness was gone with the girl I loved so dearly. The hardest part was to accept the fact that she was with somebody else within a few months after our relationship ended. That situation felt like rubbing salt into the wound. My heart shattered into a million pieces 😦
    I did not like seeing myself deprived of happiness. I said to myself “if she can find a way to be happy without me, so can I”. I decided to change my life, to change my attitude towards life, to change myself.
    “Why do I need to depend on someone for my happiness?” When I asked this question to myself then I desperately started looking for an answer. After a tedious searching and inquiring, I found the answer eventually. It was the teachings of “Gautama Buddha”, which when I understood gave a deep satisfaction within.

    “Learn to let go; this is the secret of happiness.” – Buddha

    The harder you try to hold on, the greater will be the pain. Free yourself from the bondages of life. If you think you are free, you are free. If you think you are bound, you are bound.

    These are no ordinary words for me, they took me away from the pain I felt. The longingness I felt for peace and happiness was finally within my grasp.

    The sorrow only remains as long as there is absence of knowledge (knowledge of the Self). The moment you realize your true Self, all the sorrows disappear from life.

    Everything in life happens for a good reason but one needs to connect those dots to see the picture, which manifests from the abstractness of thoughts.

    I hope find the positive side of your situation, which is hidden somewhere deep within yourself. I sincerely hope you find the source of your inner happiness. Happiness which is eternal and independent of what goes around in the outer world.

    Krishna 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your well thought out comments. I am trying not to be “bound” and most of the time I succeed. Just not during the writing of this post obviously ha ha. Thank you though – I will heed your words. Hope you are happier now too 🙂

  2. I can think of a few things to call him, but I think the one that is most polite would be “future ex-husband.”

    As the previous comment noted, you opened your heart here. So at this particularly vulnerable time, I remind you that you ARE loved, lovable and deserving. Continue to be kind and loving and gentle with yourself. This will pass.

    1. Thank you. I know this will pass – it’s just another step in the process. Just stings a bit that’s all. 🙂

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