Pack up your rubber duck, I’d like to wish you luck…
I hate moving. Moving sucks. The packing of boxes, the culling of drawers and cupboards, the cleaning of areas long hidden by fridges and shelves and televisions. The complete disarray of stuff everywhere that seems to multiply every time you think you’re just about done. I hate moving. But what I hate even more, is when everyone else is moving and you’re being left behind. That is way worse. This is the situation I find myself in this week.
My workplace has lots of staff. Lots of people in lots of offices, spread out across two sites. So many people, in fact, we ran out of room for everybody. So, a new building was needed where everyone could be together under one roof. Everyone, that is, except little old moi. Well, moi and a few counsellors and a couple of extra people. But, mostly, just me. Í have had a year to worry about it but I wasn’t prepared for how upset I would actually be when it happened. Everyone is leaving me. It doesn’t help that it has now been a year since I separated from hubby and I am feeling a little bit abandoned and pathetic all over again as I fill out divorce papers and deal with stuff I don’t want to deal with.
I love my workmates. They have been such a support to me over the last year or so and I will miss them terribly now that I won’t see them every day. I know they’re still working for the same company and I will see them from time to time, but it isn’t the same and my job will feel much less…well, just less. I don’t love my job – I love being at my job because of the people here. I know I get overly emotionally attached to people, I do. It’s a bit of an issue with me. I don’t know that it is necessarily a bad thing, but it does leave me prone to ridiculous heartbreak and melancholy over relationships that are, except to me, quite superficial. People who probably don’t give me a second thought once they leave work for the day. I just get attached to people and do not like it when I have to leave them, or them leave me. I don’t do well at Goodbyes. I get teary when staff have send-offs at work, whether I know them or not.
I am also having a slight panic attack about my new role, which is basically my usual role with a whole new bunch of stuff tacked on to it. I am going to have to deal with clients more than before which is worrying to me (my self-confidence and social ability being what they are) and I am not sure I will be up for much of what is now expected of me. I think people think I am far more competent than I actually am. I am secretly quite useless. Now I will be the main “face” of the workplace. I don’t have the kind of face you need to be a “face”. I need a different face.
Mostly, I am just going to miss everybody – the banter, the gossip, the laughs and the friendship. The guffaws from down the hallway and the “Hello! Morning! Hi!” as each day begins. I won’t miss the mess in the kitchen or the politics, but I would gladly have those if it meant I got to keep the people. I will miss the silliness and the little daily interactions that make the time fly by. I will miss yelling stuff over the communal wall when I need to let reception know things. I will miss the lunchroom chatter. I will miss being part of something and feeling like I belong. I don’t ever feel like I belong anywhere, so to have had that for the last year and then have it taken away is a bit disturbing for me.
Obviously, I am over-reacting. I will see these people again and I will talk to them on the phone and via email. I will get to catch up with them at staff meetings and will probably visit the new offices when and if I need to. And, in about three years, we are having a new building constructed that will see us all together again under one roof. But that is years away. Everyone will have left by then. People are not like me, they don’t stay somewhere for a million years. I myself already feel like quitting. I am actually feeling quite bereft at the thought of not having everyone here (in case you hadn’t guessed already). I’m going to have to make my work be about, well, work… I’ve been coming to work to see my friends – work itself was just something I had to do while I was seeing my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I think I do a reasonable job – I get things done on time, usually early and I am prompt and efficient and accommodating with requests. I follow up on things and I help people. I strive to always give 100%. But it’s harder to do those things when there’s no one around to notice or make you feel otherwise happy and a part of something. I don’t want to leave this place but, at the end of the day, it is just that – a place. Without the people in it, it’s just a few walls and some daggy carpet.
Basically, I am being a big baby and whinging about nothing. I have a job – that is something to be thankful for – and if things are changing a little, well, I will just have to get used to it. But I am not good at change. Change is scary. Change makes things uncertain and different and just icky. Until they turn into the things you’re used to. And that, I suppose is what I have to wait for. Or I could just hide under a desk somewhere and pretend it’s all not happening. That sounds much more like me 🙂