Yes, that’s right – REVOLUTIONS. Because the world has once again spun around on its axis and brought us to another New Year. I don’t know where the last one went. It was a year of tears and tragedy, heartache and horrible events, both personally and internationally. But was it really so awful? Sometimes we only remember the bad stuff, not letting the good stuff stay in our minds and hearts as much as we should. I know I am guilty of that, although I do try and embrace the tiniest of moments that bring me joy.
As I write this I am reminded of my precious nephews and nieces, who bring me so much happiness, just by their very existence. They hold the whole world in their eyes, and their hearts are always full of endless love and gratitude, kindness and generosity. Over Christmas, I spent a few happy days with my brother, his partner, their four children, my Mum, Dad and Stepmother at my Dad’s property in Boyanup. We swam in the pool, went spotlighting at night to look for bunnies and kangaroos and had a girl’s day out, shopping and searching for treasures in antique stores. But mostly, we were together, enjoying the chatter of the children and the closeness of our family. I am eternally grateful for the family I have been given. It hasn’t always been smooth-sailing, and there has definitely been trials and tribulations, but we are stronger now for it. My Mum and Stepmother get along well – there is no bickering or snide comments, no favouritism or possessiveness. My Stepmother welcomes my Mum graciously into her home and my Mum is happy my Dad is content and has found love again. Past disagreements and acrimonious behaviour has been replaced by tolerance and respect, even love and affection. I am so proud of my parents and I hope I can be as forgiving as my Mum has been. I’m not there yet, but I am working on it and finding a small place in my heart for the woman who currently hold’s my husband’s affections. She may need my understanding and empathy at some point. Or she may not. And I must be prepared for that as well. I cannot wish unhappiness on another person and should not seek to do so. That would only damage my own contentment, in the long run. So I aim to forgive and let go this year, as much as I can, if only to allow myself to move forward and be a whole person again.
My resolutions last year were long and varied. I can’t say that I succeeded in keeping many of them. But I try not to see that as a failure, rather as incentive to try harder this coming year. I alway have a million and one resolutions, and that is probably why I have trouble keeping them – it’s just too much to manage in one year. I need to simplify and de-clutter (see? even my resolutions are messy and unorganised!) and try to just make a few important changes that will help me make more later on.
There is always the obligatory “Lose Weight”, but I am modifying that, so it will come under the heading of “Be Healthy” instead. That means eating better and exercising more, not just to lose weight and look better in jeans, but to feel better and stay healthy and strong. I need to stop making excuses and just commit. I am not hugely overweight and I do ok, food-wise, most of the time. But I want to improve and cut out a few unhealthy practices, introduce some healthier ones and try to just, well, DO better. I need to stick to my renal diet and make sure that “treats” are just that – treats, not everyday foods. I need to exercise every day, even if it’s just 10 minutes to start with – I need to get moving.
I’m going to try and be kinder to myself this year. I need to improve my own self-image and worth. I’m not sure how to do that and I don’t know how to stop the little voice inside my head that tells me I am stupid, fat, useless, ugly etc etc. It’s a nasty little voice and I need to shut it up this year. Nobody is perfect, but no one is as awful and worthless as my little inner voice says I am. This year, it is going to get silenced, or at least persuaded to whisper instead of shout. It might have to be a compromise – maybe we can work out a schedule whereby it is only mean to me on certain days? 🙂
I want to be more creative. For myself. It’s great that I make things that people want to buy, but I am never left with anything I’ve made, for myself. I want my house to be filled with things I have created, things that say “I made this” and “This is me”. I want to try new techniques and have a go at crafts I wouldn’t attempt before. I want to fail and be ok with that. I want to write more and waste less time. Every day should have at least a few minutes of creativity in it.
I do want to be tidier and more organised. I have been tidying for the last few days and have managed to clear my dining room (yes, even that took several days to get clear!). I want to be able to have people over and not be embarrassed by how disgraceful my home is. I want to try and put things away and not pile stuff up everywhere. I want my home to be a haven, not an eyesore. One room at a time, I am going to sort out my “stuff” and de-clutter, which will mean throwing things out (I’m not good at that) and giving things away. I want my home to look like a grown-up lives here.
But, for now, I have a tidy dining room and can eat my dinner there, and that is a start.
I want to be braver, in every aspect of my life. I do not take risks, I do not try new things and I never trust my own instincts. I just want to be more decisive and trust my own gut feeling about people and opportunities. I want to forgive myself when those instincts are wrong. I want to stop hiding and just come out of the shadows a little. I need to get better at talking to people and not being frightened of social events. I need to remind myself that most people are too caught up in their own dramas and anxieties to notice my inner turmoil. I do not have a sign over my head that reads “I am scared” so I should stop acting as though I do. I should fake it till I make it.
I want to address my physical and mental health concerns. I need to do some hard work this year to overcome many of these. I am not looking forward to it, I admit. But it is important that “being healthy” means all aspects of myself. This includes relationships. I need to stop comparing all men to my soon-to-be-ex-husband. They are not him and I need to allow them to have their own quirks and faults, just as I do, and not strike them off the list because I think I will get hurt again. I made one bad judgement – it doesn’t mean I will do it again. So I am going to try to be a little less guarded, which will be difficult, because I have been that way for a long time now.
Basically this year I just want to try. I want to attempt things and do my best to improve. If I fail, at least I have tried, and can always try again.
I hope 2015 will be an amazing year for you all. I hope love and laughter, light and creativity fill your homes and hearts. Let’s all try to be as forgiving and kind as we can, and that includes being kind to ourselves. I’m going to try.
Happy New Year, everyone xxx