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This weekend just gone, I was very busy with one thing or another – picking up people from the airport, babysitting and catching up with friends.  I am trying to be more social and force myself to go out at least once a week.  I’ve gotten in to the habit of staying home, alone, a lot.  There’s nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but I am prone to being a hermit and I don’t want to get too comfortable staying away from people.  Being WITH people is hard for me.  I always feel out of place and out of touch and just plain wrong, especially in groups of people.  I realise this is why I find the working week very exhausting.  Being around people constantly is hard.  I love my friends and I am eternally grateful that I have them in my life but I am not sociable by nature.  I enjoy one-on-one situations, where talking is easy and there is no competition for attention or trying to get a word in.  Mostly I just feel self-conscious in a group of people and so I am getting very good at avoiding being in those situations.  But I have to try and get better at being in someone’s company, other than my own.  And I don’t even like myself that much so anyone’s company should really be preferable, if I think about it sensibly.  And I have wonderful friends, I really do.  THE BEST.  I don’t know what I did to deserve such lovely people in my life, but I will never stop being very thankful for them – each and every one.  And I want them around me more than ever.

My home is very important to me, and I am trying to make it a space in which I feel happy and secure, content and relaxed.  I’d like it to be a place in which I am happy to entertain, instead of being an embarrassment of mess and chaos.  I like having people over to share a meal or watch a movie, or just talk and chill out.  But I don’t do it as often as I should because my house-keeping skills leave a lot to be desired.  My house is clean – let me just assure you of that – but it is generally in a state of disorder, created by crafting and cooking and MAKING things.  Which is fine, I tell myself.  I am creative, I say.  I would rather be drawing than ironing.  I’d rather be stitching and beading than mopping, or washing or tidying.  But I suppose I should learn to find a happy medium between the two.  Create a little, tidy a little.  IMG_0161

This weekend I spent some time doing just that.  I finished off some jewellery for a co-worker and then did the dishes.  I potted some plants and then vacuumed.  I did two loads of laundry and some ironing before re-arranging some of my ornaments and other knick-knacks to better display my collections.  I found that if I break up the chores I have to do, rather than attempting to do EVERYTHING all at once, making myself miserable and resentful, I got more done and at the same time felt as though I had been creative too.

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I have tried to make little “pockets” of cohesiveness in my home.  Making this corner have a theme, or that shelf a clear collection of things that go together, however vaguely, brings a sense of order and tidiness. Which are two words that I don’t normally associate with myself.  I am not tidy nor am I orderly.  But I am trying.

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The problem, if it is a problem, is that I like lots of different things.  I don’t like just one colour (though I am generally drawn to blue the most) and I don’t adhere to one kind of style.  I have bright things and shabby chic things, cute things and grown-up things.  I have dark things and magical things.  I have vintage and new things.  Nothing really goes together but the challenge is to make it all seem like it does. 

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And, at the end of the day, it shouldn’t matter anyway.  I want my home to be comfortable and pleasant to be in.  I don’t want visitors to feel they are in a show home.  My couch is meant to have feet on it and my table shouldn’t be so perfectly arranged that people feel they can’t sit at it for a chat and a casual cuppa.  So I am trying to figure out what makes my home mine.  What says “I live here”.

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Little by little I am figuring out who I am and what my place in the world is. Starting with one corner or shelf or bookcase at a time.  As long as I don’t have to dust them, I’ll be fine.

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