What I’m Worth

What I’m Worth

I don’t follow many blogs or online forums.  I don’t have the time and I’m not one for sitting and reading a computer screen for hours on end (unless it’s Pinterest…and that’s another story altogether!).  But one blog I do follow regularly, actually subscribe to, is Marc and Angel Hack Life : Practical Tips for Practical Living.  I’ve mentioned them before and, indeed, they are worth a mention.  I find their words and topics to be very comforting, spookily accurate and, quite often, exactly what I need at the time I’m reading them.  Today’s post is no exception.

I’ve been struggling a little bit this last week or so. Just feeling sad and a tad lonely.  My divorce still hasn’t come through and I guess the wait is starting to weigh on me a little.  I’m not sure how I am going to react when it does come through, but I’m pretty certain I won’t be shouting gleefully or jumping for joy.  It’s an odd feeling, having to say goodbye to something (and someone) that you know is no good for you, but that you still care about or, at least, think about often.  I’ve been beating myself up this week – going over and over everything I may have done wrong.  I’ve been re-living moments I could have approached differently or ways in which I could have changed to adapt better to the situation I found myself in.  I started blaming myself for being me.  All over again.  When I thought I had stopped those thoughts and self-defeating doubts.

Then, this morning, I read Marc and Angel’s post : 20 Things to Remember When Rejection Hurts

I won’t re-write the entire post – you should check it out for yourself! – but, basically, it tells us how we should value ourselves and believe in our own worth, even when someone else does not.  Their opinions and feelings are exactly that – theirs.  You have no control over them or their thoughts.  Marc and Angel write :

“…. you don’t need anyone’s constant affection or approval in order to be good enough in this world.  When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you.  It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs.  So you don’t have to internalize any of it!  Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent.  You exist, and therefore you matter.  You’re allowed to be yourself.  You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings.  You’re allowed to assert your needs.  You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is more than enough.  And you’re allowed to let go of anyone in your life who makes you feel otherwise…”

It’s exactly what I needed today, before I started wallowing any deeper in self-pity and bad self-esteem.  One point in particular really hit home for me :

# 3  Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve
crying at night or believing that you’re broken.

I’m going to try and remember that one, especially late at night when I am feeling sad and alone and doubting everything I am doing or wanting to do.

I hope you believe in yourself today and always x

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Op-Shop/Thrift Haul (#? in a series of many)

Op-Shop/Thrift Haul (#? in a series of many)

Op-Shops are my Kryptonite.  That is to say, they don’t kill me or anything, but they do render me powerless and somewhat weak at the knees.  I probably wouldn’t be able to leap over a building either (although it is possible I could if the bargains on the other side were awesome enough).  I just like the thrill of the chase, the rummaging around in junk looking for some treasure.  I know it’s not for everyone – lots of my friends don’t get it and I understand that (although I myself don’t understand why they pay full price for anything or think that $80 is a reasonable price to pay for a t-shirt).  I guess I just like looking for things that aren’t the same old stuff everyone else has.  I like quirky and different, old or vintage.  I think it’s the Aquarian in me (quirky) and the Scot (thrifty) in my blood.  Or it’s neither of those things – I don’t know.

This week (having promised myself I wouldn’t make any purchases that weren’t absolutely essential) I stopped in at a local op-shop on my way home from an exceedingly tiresome day at work. Nothing cheers me faster that a haven of 2nd-hand knick-knackery.
I had wanted to find some more little pots for popping succulents into and I found a couple that would work wonderfully well.

Firstly this lovely little earthenware cooking dish with its crackled glaze and its vintage charm.  It might not be vintage but it looks is and I liked it (so there!).  It’s nice and shallow too which is good for a happy little succulent.  I also bought a larger sized bowl (exactly the same, just bigger) which I will use for actual cooking I think.
(Please excuse photos – I had to take them outside on my porch as it was getting dark and my house had the WORST lighting ever for taking pictures…)

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Next up, these AMAZING glazed pottery mugs.  Swoon.  I loved the colours – purply/blue with the brown terracotta swirled through it.  I saw one of the mugs and thought “Oh that might be nice to plant a little cactus or succulent in…” and then I saw that is was actually a WHOLE SET (i.e. 6 mugs).  They were only $1.25 each and practically brand new so I had to buy them.  Well, by “had to” I mean I “wanted to” with every fibre of my being.  So I did.  I still haven’t decided whether to plant succulents in them or use them as actual coffee mugs.  They’re quite small though as is my kitchen cupboard which is already groaning under the weight of a million coffee and tea cups/mugs.  Might have to do a cull…

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Then I found this lovely little dish (I guess it is like a tapas dish or one that you’d put olives in or something…).  Nice and shallow and in perfect condition.  The price tag said $3 but the lady at the counter gave it to me for $1.  Bargain!  I like the colours and design on the inside of the bowl so it seems a shame to cover it up with a plant, but I will anyway methinks!  Or have a tapas night…which seems just as pleasant and good for the soul.

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Then I spotted these two little trinket dishes.  So cute and in pretty good condition.  I thought I might give them to a couple of vintage-loving friends as gifts.  Or keep them for myself – I am undecided.  They’re so pretty and dainty (and I need all the help I can get on those two fronts!).

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So that was a pretty good haul for one afternoon and one shop.  I am binge-spending so much right now (Mum and I went to the Save the Children Fund Book Sale today and I bought 26 books…I have nowhere to put them!) and it is on par with my binge-eating.  I am going to try harder from tomorrow to curb both my emotional-eating and my emotional-purchasing.  I know it is all because I am now in the process of divorce and it is easier to feed my face or empty my purse than deal with the feelings I am trying so hard not to feel.  But I am also buying things that I can sell on and make some extra money with (at swap-meets and my mini-markets) so I am trying not to be too hard on myself.  I assuage my guilt by giving to charity (and op-shops are for charities, right?  That counts!) and reminding myself that I am mostly buying 2nd hand things which is a form of recycling.  These justifications work if I don’t dwell on it too hard.

Happy Monday everyone… x

Trash and Treasure

Trash and Treasure

A quick post about my weekend’s finds.  It will be a quick post because I am a bit disgusted about my recent lack of self control where my spending is concerned.
If I type fast, maybe it won’t seem so bad to me….(actually, who am I kidding?  I can never do short posts when I want to…this one will be no different).

On Saturday I went shopping with my Mum.  “I just need a couple of things…” I said dismissively, knowing full well I am incapable of actually controlling myself where shopping is concerned. Now, normally this isn’t such a bad thing because I generally buy 2nd hand items from op-shops etc.  I don’t buy “new” things very often and even when I do I rarely pay full price.  However, having visited my brother the night before and seeing some lovely household items his equally lovely partner had bought for the house, I was immediately overcome with waves of decorator envy and NEEDED to buy similar items for my house.  As you do.

So, we headed to The Reject Shop, the kind of store that is dangerous for me because I go in to buy wrapping paper and come out with three clocks shaped like frogs, a packet of weird sweets with unpronounceable names and a self-cleaning kitty litter tray.  When I don’t own a cat.  There’s just stuff in there you never knew you needed.  It’s dangerous, as I said.  So I don’t go in there very much unless I have a strict plan and stick to it.

On this particular day I walked out with a large cork-lidded jar with a stag head on it and some white shabby-chic-looking photos frames.  So not too ridiculous I suppose.

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Then we went to Typo, another shop that I have trouble controlling myself in.  They have so much stuff in there that I NEED.  I NEED more notebooks! (I don’t, I have about 48 currently).  I NEED stickers that look like french patisserie! (I don’t – I should be on a diet and food-shaped stickers will not help the situation).  I NEED a white ceramic stag head for my wall!  (Erm, I really DO want one of those…I have no idea why.  I’m vegetarian and find hunting abhorrent.  But I NEED a white ceramic stag head for my wall!  I do!).  In the end I walked out with a wooden ampersand for my book shelf and a white ceramic fox pen holder.  Both were heavily reduced in price so I didn’t break the bank, but guilt was already starting to set in.

On Sunday morning, very early, I went to a swap meet with my good friends MD and FK.  Ah, swap meets!  The smell of dewey grass trampled on by eager bargain hunters!  Nothing is more enticing to those of us with a taste for the quirky, the trashy and the downright odd.  There is always the hope that you will find something AMAZING that you’ve been hunting for for years.  That somewhere out there is a stall that has that pink/white/blue/polka-dotted pig/duck/skateboard you’ve been looking for all your life (or at least since last Tuesday when you saw it in a magazine and knew you NEEDED to have one).

We were looking for plants and pots and cute stuff and handy stuff and storage stuff.  So, stuff, basically.  MD and FK bought practically an entire nursery of plants (the car on the way home looked like a travelling botanic exhibit) as well as some garden pots, terrariums and interesting containers for succulents.  I picked up (after a bit of fruitless searching when I thought I wasn’t going to find anything at all…) a rather funky granny trolley…

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…which then came in handy for carrying other purchases (it was a bargain at only $6.00! – very sturdy and new and roomy) and will be good for fetching my groceries in…

…I also bought a delightful little succulent that had the prettiest of pastel colours on its leaves (love the yellow and pink tinges) and deserves an equally pretty pot when I find one…

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…I found this little wooden shelf/stool which I am going to paint white and distress (maybe add a vintage image to it) and either put plants or use in my craft room as storage.  I picked up the little book too which is actually a notebook (erm…what was I saying about notebooks?) with nice brown, kraft paper pages…only $2.50 for the two items….

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…I bought this pretty cup and saucer for $5.00, not knowing MD had been eyeing it off too.  It’s a vintage design but I don’t know how old it is.  Probably not very!  Doesn’t matter to me, it’s sweet and my favourite colour.  If I don’t use it for tea, it will be a nice container for a succulent.

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We stayed at the swap meet for about three hours then decided we couldn’t carry any more and had to leave.  Across the road was a “garage sale” sign so we made a bit of a detour…several plants and more pots later for FK and MD, we headed off again.  A few miles up the road we came across a sign that said “Vintage Garage Sale”.  Well, a screeching of brakes and a quick turn into another street, we found ourselves at a lovely little garage sale, indeed selling vintage pieces (china, furniture and other items) at very reasonable prices.  I got a few pieces (couldn’t help myself…why stop now?) starting with this sweet little Wade Heath trinket dish.  It’s in good condition – no chips or staining.  I considered using it as a pot for a wee little succulent, but I’m not sure yet…

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…I loved this bowl, even though it is clearly not vintage.  I liked the colours and the shape.  Very pretty and only $5.00…

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…this Meakin strainer dish was so pretty and the colours were very bright and un-faded.  There is a bit of staining in one corner, but is in otherwise great condition, and at only $5.00, was a no-brainer for me.  I love Meakin dinnerware and the flowers on this piece were just so pretty…

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So, a good morning indeed.  But then, after also getting some fruit and veg on the way home, from the markets, and also buying some DVDs to watch later in the week (whoops), my purse is decidedly lighter than I would like it to be and buyer’s remorse has definitely set in.  I am aware of the fact that I am not only binge-eating at the moment, but have also taken on a tendency to binge-spend, even if by other people’s standards it isn’t worth worrying about.  I keep saying I am not procrastinating about getting my divorce paperwork in, but I probably am.  By spending money on other things, I can somehow, deep in my sub-conscious, “forget” to submit the papers and pay for the divorce application, not to mention filling a huge emotional void.  I’m kidding myself if I think otherwise.  But really, isn’t buying vintage china, A LOT more satisfying than paying for a divorce???  I’m not going to put my divorce papers up on the wall, for all to see my failures, but I will happily display that Meakin dish and serve tea in that sweet little cup and saucer.  Now, if I could just save up for that stag head…

Have a happy week everyone.  Hope you find some treasure (or at least avoid any trash!) 🙂

Op-Shopping is good for the Soul (but not so good for the purse…)

Op-Shopping is good for the Soul (but not so good for the purse…)

It has been a long week.  A. Long. Week.  At short notice I had to empty my entire library within the space of two days.  Not an easy feat, even with a tiny library such as mine.  But it was done with the kind help of several of my workmates (not library staff – counsellors and other lovely staff members just giving me a hand) and as of Friday afternoon we had moved everything out and covered what was left with plastic sheeting, ready for several walls to be knocked out over the weekend.  I am exhausted to say the least.  I’ve been getting to work at 7:45 and working until 5.30, trying to get it all done while still attempting to get some of my normal work completed (I gave up on that by friday morning – it was just too hard).  I’d like to say when I go in to work tomorrow morning that all I will have to do it move everything back, but, unfortunately, we are also, at some stage soon, having the entire building painted and re-carpeted.  I am having slight stress-outs about the whole process, but have so far not collapsed in a heap or burst into tears.

I haven’t had time to really miss all my other colleagues.  Which is probably a good thing.  I have had phone calls and emails and some visits from them so I’ve not been abandoned entirely.  When the library is all back in one piece and things have settled, I will “feel” the loss of my work buddies and be sad, but right now I don’t have time.

Anyway, the weekend was very, very welcome by the time it came around and although I had promised myself I wouldn’t spend money, I failed miserably and did exactly that.  After meeting up with a friend in the morning for a coffee and catch-up session, I drove over to my Mum’s as we had planned to go to a movie together.  Both of us were so tired and really not in the mood to go to a noisy shopping centre and deal with people and lining up for a movie etc.  So we piked on that idea and decided to just go op-shopping and then back to my house for dinner and a DVD.  Bliss!  So much better to be comfy at home and chill out with cups of tea and a good movie.  Mum has been planning and designing her garden – she’s been painting little models of the plants she wants so she can have them standing up on the design plans, to show what they will look like as you look over the garden.  Smart huh?  And how pretty are her little painted models?

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And the op-shopping!  Oh Lord, the op-shopping!  You can do a lot of damage to your purse over the course of an hour in a good op-shop!  Yesterday was no exception.  I was looking for some nice knits – cardigans and jumpers and tops – and boy did I find them!  I ended up buying seven.  Ridiculous!  I have nowhere to fit them all so have had to have a bit of a cull this morning of my old stuff (time for a clear-out anyway, I’m starting to look like a bag lady).  The knits I found were in such good condition (which can sometimes be hard to find where 2nd hand knits are concerned) and in lovely colours and styles.  I got stripes ( I have a thing for stripes…I blame it on Tim Burton) and plains, studded details and interesting necklines.  Anyway, this is what my couch looked like when I brought them all home…

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I also bought a few magazines and a little plastic bead box (only 75c and I can never have enough bead storage).  I found a cute little salt shaker for a dollar – it is just right for storing some of my little beads and will look pretty on the shelf with all my others jars…

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I also went a bit crazy with scarves…I’d already gotten two on Ebay this week (couldn’t find any in the shops I liked) – an animal print one and a butterfly-patterened one :

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…and then Mum found two pretty ones in the op-shop that I really liked (if I’m truthful she went “Oh, these are nice!” and I sorta-maybe-kinda snatched them up for myself – hey, it’s every man for himself when you’re op-shopping!  She stopped me feeling too guilty by grabbing a photo frame I had spotted, so we’re even now) :

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…how cute is the cat one?  And I love polka dots, plus that magenta colour is awesome 🙂

I had a quick look at the jewellery section to see if there were any nice beads…found this bracelet made with heavy glass beads (love the purple) so I bought it too:

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So, all in all, a pretty successful day.  My purse may be a tad on the light side now, but I didn’t really spend that much, all things considered (a heck of a lot less than I would have spent in a shop selling new stuff) and it was a nice way to spend a couple of hours, instead of moving furniture and bookshelves.  I’ve done some gardening this morning and hoovered the house, done a couple of loads of laundry and washed the dishes.  That’s enough housework for one day.  If I’m feeling energetic I should go for a walk later (was supposed to go this morning with a friend but she had to cancel) but I can see that not happening.  It’s cold and miserable outside – better to stay indoors and do some crafting or, if I’m sensible, some ironing (how does one person accumulate so many baskets of ironing???). I should also be completing my tax return (ugh!) and sorting out my divorce papers (double ugh!) but I am procrastinating on both.  Neither fills me with joy or happiness, and I think things like that should be avoided…although I really did mean to get the divorce stuff sorted this week – just ran out of time and kept working late each day.

Hope you are having a good weekend, doing whatever you enjoy doing most 🙂  I don’t suggest filling out divorce papers OR tax returns.
Filling your tummy would be far more acceptable – go eat a cookie (on me) 🙂

First World Problems

First World Problems

Today I took a day off work and went in to the city to the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages to obtain an official marriage certificate (the one they give you at the actual wedding is not worth the paper it’s printed on apparently) so that we can apply for a divorce in a couple of weeks (when it will be twelve months since we separated).  Feeling kinda down about the whole thing, I trudged through the city in the rain, wanting to tell everybody I passed how life had done me wrong.  How I was suffering.  How everything just sucks and basically a whole lot of boohooing was going on in my head.  I actually DID boo-hoo at work yesterday – just felt really sad and that stuff is getting finalised and DONE. That I’m going to be a divorced forty year old.  Waaaah.

Then I spotted a homeless guy, sheltering in a stairwell, his belongings around him.  He looked so cold and miserable.  I often see him as I drive through the city on my way to work.  I feel bad for him but can’t help him usually as I’m in my car – I can’t just bung a load of coins out the window at him as I whizz past.  But today I had no excuse.  As I walked past him, I tried to ignore the feeling of wanting to help.  I told myself I didn’t have any cash on me (I didn’t) and that I had to get to the registry office.
I told myself I was too shy/timid/uncomfortable/busy to approach him.

But then I stopped.

I turned around and I headed to a coffee shop about a block away from the man .I ordered a hot chocolate and headed back .
My conversation with myself had changed from “You can’t do this” to “You have to do this”.
I couldn’t pass him by, not one day longer.

I offered him the hot chocolate, thinking he would be grateful and pleased.  He simply said “Oh I don’t drink coffee…”  I told him it was hot chocolate (I had purposely not bought coffee as I know some people don’t like it) and said “I just thought you could do with a warm drink – you look so cold…” To which he replied “I am cold”.  I wanted him to take the drink.  I wanted him to smile and say thank you and “That’s so nice of you!” but there was none of that.
He almost begrudgingly took the drink and I think I heard a mumbled “thanks”, although maybe I just wanted to hear one.

So what am I getting at?  For a while I was a little miffed and felt kinda stupid for even bothering to buy the drink.  I felt that my kind deed had gone unappreciated.
I was embarrassed and flustered. I’d walked quite a way to get him that hot chocolate.

But then I stopped.

That man sleeps on the street.  He has no home, no family, no car, no money.  He doesn’t know where his next meal is coming from.  He has been rejected by society, maybe his family, and can’t rely on friends to give him a bed to sleep in.  He has way bigger issues than I do.  And I’m the one who’s uncomfortable?  Geez, talk about first world problems!  I buy him a drink and I think that’s going to solve all his problems?  What about tomorrow?  Or the next day?

I had to remind myself that his reality is different to mine.  I was trying to stamp him with the same social etiquette and manners that I live by.  Me in my cosy home with my nice job, my loving family and my loyal friends.  Me with a full belly and clean clothes, a roof over my head and a feeling of safety and security in my little world.

Maybe I’m not quite up to the whole Good Samaritan act yet.  I wanted to be.  I wanted to do this good deed and not expect approval or gratitude in return.  But we live in a world where we all want reward for the things we do.  We want to be noticed and acknowledged.  I, for one, am sorry I gave in to that need today and didn’t allow kindness to be its own reward.

Next time I will do better.  Next time I will buy a sandwich – but I will ask first, and not be offended if they don’t want to accept my offer.

At the end of the day, I did a good thing and I guess that is better than standing by or walking past and doing nothing.
A good deed, even a slightly unsuccessful one, has to count for something, I hope so, anyway.

Hope you are all safe and warm today x

Cats and Kittens (should mind their own mittens!)

Cats and Kittens (should mind their own mittens!)

 I am trying to be good and keep truly negative things out of this blog (mostly for you, but also for me so I don’t look back in years to come and cringe) and I am trying to be mature and let go of things and move on and not be so whiny.  But then stuff happens and it is hard not to creep slowly over to the dark side and want to vent a little.  So, to do that without being too negative or depressing, I shall tell you my sad tale in the form of a thinly-disguised fable so that names don’t need to be mentioned (I’ve never done that here anyway) and I can try at least to be entertaining whilst cathartically venting my spleen.  So, here goes, the sad and magical tale of…

A Girl, Her Cat and the Faraway Journey

So, there was once this girl (ok, middle-aged woman) who lived with a much younger cat.  She loved the cat very much, despite his immaturity and strange habits, and tried to make a happy and warm home for him, hoping he would always come home to her and only ever groom himself by her fireside, ignoring all other offers from catnip-proffering floozies, whoops, I mean felines.

As time went on, the girl felt that the cat wasn’t happy.  He was staying out late in the neighbourhood, hanging out with other cats and indulging in far too much milk for the girl’s liking.  She thought the fault was hers – maybe she wasn’t pretty enough or fun to be around.  Maybe she was sick too often or too tired to stay out late and she didn’t fit in with the other cats, who seemed course and ill-mannered.  She tried for a long time to change into something she was not, and, in the end, she knew she would never be what the cat wanted. 

So they decided to live apart.  As the months passed, it was obvious the cat had moved on entirely and did not need the girl.  The girl was very sad but tried to be ok and live her life, alone but secure in her own little house with her own things and no one else’s litter tray to clean up.  She tried to stay out of the cat’s life, hoping they would one day at least be friends and care about each other enough to be kind and thoughtful towards one another.

Soon she found out that the cat had moved in with a particular ginger kitten whom the girl had always been suspicious of.  It hurt the girl but she tried to be mature and let it go, tried not to think about it.  She waited for the cat to tell her about the kitten, but he didn’t, preferring instead to let the grapevine that ran through the town do the work for him.  The same thing occurred when the cat and kitten decided to travel to Europe together – the cat did not tell the girl, did not think it was any of her business and did not see why he should care if it upset her.  The girl was minding her own business, reading news updates on her own social me(ow)dia page when up popped a charming photo of the cat and the kitten, having a feline-fabulous time in Paris.  The cat’s mother, whom the girl had always been fond of, had posted the picture, for all to see.  The girl was very sad and hurt and also, just a little bit ticked off.  It was one thing for the cat to be thoughtless and uncaring, but the girl was a little bit disappointed in the cat’s mother. The girl wondered, if she would ever be free from hurt and if she should actually have gotten herself a dog in the first place.

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OK, so not the best story in the world but hopefully it will have a happy ending eventually (a charming, handsome prince would be nice but I am not holding my breath).  The girl needs to get her head together and stop being a drip, torturing herself and living in the past with a cat who doesn’t actually care about her, and possibly never did (that’s the hard part for the girl to digest).

I have been pretty upset the last few days but last night, after seeing the picture, I got angry and then, started laughing. Because if you don’t laugh, you start to cry, and I have done enough of that already.  Besides, there are cookies to eat, craft books to read and endless cups of tea, all of which will help fill an emotional void, as well as good friends, family members and workmates.  I’m lucky that I have all of those things (and people) and I try to remember that.  I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last few years without them.
It possibly would have required dangerous amounts of cake and possibly anything with salted caramel.  And cheese.  Lots of cheese.

Hope you are having a happy day and not needing any emotional support at all.  But, if you are feeling a bit down and need a cyber hug, I am sending lots your way and hoping tomorrow will be brighter and less sucky.  I’m emailing you an extra-fudgey brownie right now – did you get it?

🙂

x

Tunnelling towards something is better than trying to punch someone in the face…

Tunnelling towards something is better than trying to punch someone in the face…

I found out today (on Facebook – the bringer of all news, good, bad, true and speculative) that hubby (I still haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to refer to him as, so he’s still hubby for now until we’re actually divorced.  Then I will have to get used to saying “My ex”) is possibly going to have his girlfriend move in.  In to what was OUR home.  Less than 9 months after we separated.  Which seems very quick to me but maybe that’s how it goes.  For someone like me, who procrastinates and can’t make decisions, it just seems a little fast.  I still haven’t bought myself a proper couch, let alone moved someone else in with me.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised or upset by this. I have moved on and gotten my life together.  I’m doing ok and paying my bills, working and nesting and building a home for myself on my own, knowing I might be alone forever now.  And, on and off, I’ve been ok with that.  I haven’t been harbouring any secret dreams about us getting back together, of him coming to me and begging for my forgiveness.  I haven’t.  I dream about him all the time, but they’re always horrible dreams of him leaving me all over again and being nasty and me trying to win his attention or affection.  So even my subconscious is saying “He’s a jerk”.

But it still hurts.  I think it hurts even more knowing who the girl in question is and knowing that my hunch about them being involved even while we were still together was correct.  It’s a bit of a smack in the face (with a wet fish – a big, slimy, stinky fish).  I don’t want it to be, and I wish I could just go “Oh well..” and get past it, but right now it stings.  Because I couldn’t make him happy and I don’t matter.  It’s the not mattering that hurts the most, the not being important in even the smallest way.  I’m “stuff-you-scrape-off-the-bottom-of-your-shoe” insignificant.  And maybe that’s the way it is supposed to be when you break up with someone.  But it makes me keep thinking I must be a terrible person to not matter to someone who once cared for me.

But I’m ok.  I’m just venting.  It’s late and I’m tired and probably won’t sleep while I digest this new info and try to figure out its place in the world.  I might not even post this because I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be putting this kind of morose stuff on here.  People don’t read my blog in order to hear me whinging about my broken heart.  I should be upbeat and fun!  Crafty and creative!  Inspirational and motivational!  Funny and self-deprecating!  But then I would be lying.  At least for tonight when I am a little bit hormonal and am allowing myself a little bit of wallowing and sadness.  I’m getting better at not wallowing.  I’m an expert wallower.  Have been for years. I could wallow for Australia.  If wallowing was an Olympic sport, my shelves would be littered with gold medals and pictures of me standing on those little podium thingies with a bunch of flowers, wearing an unattractive track-suit and waving at crowds of people as they cheer at my amazing wallowing finesse).  But that’s not good enough for me any more.  Instead of digging myself a big, dark hole to climb in, I’m trying to take a different direction and maybe tunnel a little first, see where it takes me.  If there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and there usually is, I will go towards it and emerge at the other end, a little bit tired and grubby, blinking a lot and probably coughing and wheezing, but at least back out in the light.  And hopefully not wearing a track-suit.  They make me look a little hippy.

I hope I can be important to someone again.  But for now, I have to try and be that person for myself. 

Thank you for listening  x

 

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