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Quote for the Day : Sometimes

“…Sometimes I just want space to be me
But then I remember I don’t know who “me” is
And any space I have is filled with the unknowing
And the questions about what I should be doing
And if I should replace the “Should” with a “Could”
And if I have always been wrong and always will be
And if everyone knows my secrets
or if my secrets are hidden away and will never be discovered
and will die with me, alone and unknown

Sometimes I want to disappear
But then I remember my footprints on this Earth are forever
The damage is already done and I can’t be forgotten, at least by the Earth
But to the others I am already a memory
And a fading one at that
Because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do and try harder to be the same
As them 
And all the others
who succeeded where I had failed

Sometimes I want to stand out
But then I remember standing out means you are different
And different is not always a happy place
Even if it is an authentic place
And a place to lay your soul
When it is tired of being hungry and having to fight with itself
About things that should be easy or not there at all

Sometimes I want to be still
But then I remember I have to keep moving
In case the truth catches up with me and it’s too much to take in
Like a hurricane in a teacup
But the moving gets harder and I end up running on the spot
While everyone passes by me
Unconcerned by the diminishing space I am taking up
As I burrow into the ground, a whirlpool at my feet…”

–Anonymous

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Little Monsters

Lots of little monsters in my head at the moment.  The doubt and fear monsters, the “am I doing the right thing?” monsters, the “what am I doing with my life?” monsters and all the other noisy little beasties that plague my brain. To be honest, I am feeling completely lost and anxious and unsure about everything. I don’t know what the heck I am doing or what I SHOULD be doing or if anything I am doing is right or a waste of time.  I feel like I am not being a good friend or daughter or sister or employee or ANYTHING right now.

The drama with the house purchase continues and is threatening to drive me completely crackers.  It’s been such a long, drawn-out process, with no one on either side seeming in the least bit competent or able to do their job efficiently.  I am trying to keep it together – the last few weeks I have done exactly the opposite and have had several meltdowns and hissy fits – and am attempting to be assertive and in control of the situation.  My natural tendency is to run around, trying to fix everything and do everyone’s job for them.  But not this time – I have to do what is required of me and no more.

So, with house dramas and a sick Mum (my fault – I gave her my lurgy; I’m a terrible daughter), work stress and a general feeling of just wanting to stay in bed forever, the little monsters are running amok.  I haven’t been doing any crafting at all (just can’t settle my brain to it, plus I am packing and culling) and that isn’t good for me either.  So I did some doodling.  The idea of the monsters was on my mind, so that’s what I drew.

If only all worries and scary thoughts could be put on to paper and made less frightening…  I think I could take on this little guy and win.

Hope your day is free from monsters x

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Happy New Year, New Beginnings and a Fresh Slate

Happy New Year, New Beginnings and a Fresh Slate

Hello there!  Happy Happy Happy New Year to you all!  May 2014 be a year filled with love, laughter, creativity and all the good stuff (y’know, bunnies, sunshine, ice-cream, dew-drops on roses – that sort of thing…).  I truly wish you every happiness and hope that you can find and follow your bliss 🙂

As I sit on my own tonight (not sad and sorry, just on my own…reflecting, not moping…) I am thinking about the things I want to accomplish this new year.  Many of the things are somewhat selfish ones, but I hope that they will make me a better person and help me to live a little more and be myself, in whatever way makes me happy.  I’m going to put myself first a little bit more…which is hard because that doesn’t come naturally to me and I say that in the most humble way I can.  I am not a super unselfish person – I just to tend to put everyone else’s needs before my own and, while I think that is a good trait, it can sometimes mean I am left out in the cold (literally – I would give you my overcoat in a blizzard if you asked for it) and in not standing up for myself or making my needs known, I make it hard for other people to really know and respect me.  I am one of those annoying people who reply, when asked what I’d like to do, “Um…I don’t mind really – what would you like to do?”  Yes, I am one of THOSE. And it’s time to stop being that way.  At least some of the time.  Basically, get your own coat next time there’s a blizzard! It’s freezing out there!

I want to get better at taking compliments.  I want to be worthy of them and be gracious enough to accept them.

I want to improve my social skills.  While I will never be a party animal (unless that animal is a little mouse, hiding under a chair) and I will never be the life and soul of any social gathering, I want to be able to at least attend events without being scared and anxious and generally piking out.  I need to learn how to speak to people and not care if they think what I’m saying is rubbish.  Other people speak a load of nonsense and I don’t dislike or laugh at them, so why should I worry about it myself?  I need to be prepared and have a stock-standard list of things I can talk about so I am not a walking awkward silence.  I must not be dull any more.

I want to be more daring in my clothes.  I always dress safe.  I cover up.   I have curves and I do everything in my power to keep them hidden.  I’m not saying I should let it all hang out and frighten small children and animals, but I should try and dress like a woman.  Instead of a librarian.  Ok, I am a librarian…but librarians don’t actually dress “like librarians” – it’s a cliche and one that I am perpetuating.  I don’t like being the centre of attention so I will take baby steps with this one.  A slightly shorter skirt (must work on legs…) and an extra button undone.  That sort of thing.

I am going to stop saying “Sorry” all the time.

I’m going to get a tattoo.

I’m going to get my nose pierced again and my ears.

I’m not going to let my hair rule my life.

I’m going to exercise more.

I’m going to eat better.

I’m going to get to a healthy weight/size and stick to it.  I am not going to try to be thin, because I’m not that body type and I am not a thirteen year old boy.  I’m going to be healthy and fit. I’m going to walk more and find exercise that I enjoy.

I want to be tidier.  This is a tough one for me as I have already documented.  I will try and put things away and find a home for things.  I will not hoard.  There isn’t an apocalypse looming and if there was, how useful would empty toilet rolls and inch-long pieces of string be?

I’m going to tell people I love them.  I do this a lot anyway but I’m going to do it more.  I’m going to tell people they are important to me.

I’m going to learn how to sew.  I want to be able to hem my own pants, fix a broken zip and whip up a snazzy new skirt.  I want to be able to say “I made this” when someone compliments me on my outfit.  I want to be that embarrassing person who makes their ensemble out of curtains and gives
appliquéd reindeer sweaters as Christmas presents.

I am going to laugh more.

I am going to cry less but allow myself to cry when I need to. And then stop.

I am going to find a substitute for chocolate that is renal friendly.

I’m going to stop being a doormat.

I am going to be comfortable with myself and with being alone.  I’m not going to let someone else’s issues become mine.  I am not going to waste my time on people who don’t appreciate me for who I am, with all my faults.  I’m am not going to fall in love with people who don’t deserve me and who don’t think I am good enough. I am not going to change who I am and what I believe in to fit in with someone else’s ideals.

I’m going to be less harsh on myself.  I am going to be accepting of my failures and my shortcomings and I am going to help myself to do better, without judgement or fear.

I am going to try my best, always.

I am going to have a pretty home and surround myself with things I love and that make me happy.

I am going to entertain more and be less of a hermit.

I am going to learn new skills and have new experiences.

I am going to try hard to fix my medical and mental issues.

I am going to ask for help when I need it.

I’m going to stop being frightened of men.

I am going to read all the books I buy.

I want to find out what I am good at and do it.  I want to be successful at something and be proud of myself.

I want to dance like no one is watching.

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I want to learn how to walk in high heels.

I’m going to start my book.

I am going to stop allowing myself to be bullied into things.

I am going to stop trying to fix things for everyone.

I am going to drink tea out of pretty cups and sit at the dinner table to eat and make myself proper meals.  Toast is not a meal.  Neither are Cheerios or coleslaw.

I am going to stop being so cheap.

I am going to be braver.

I am going to master chopsticks.  The eating utensils, not the piano tune.

I am going to attempt to learn to play my ukelele.

I am going to hug and touch more.  I’m going to let people touch me.  They ain’t got cooties! (and more importantly, neither do I)

I am going to learn to like travel.

I’m going to be more spiritual and not be ashamed to be so. I am going to believe in magic again.

I am going to start dreaming of a future for myself.  If anyone wants to come along for the ride, that’s fine, but if not, that’s ok too.

I am not going to shut off my heart or stop being me.  I am going to love my family and friends and find joy in simple things.

I wish you all the best for the New Year, and every New Year.  Hold on to love and happiness.  Let go of fear.  That’s what I am going to try and do.

Thank you for reading (and not judging) 🙂

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