Quote for the Day : Stormy Sea

I gotta say…I really love this photo.  The water was gloriously rough that day – dark and troubled and wonderful.  The sun kept trying to shine through the storm clouds but was fighting a losing battle.  I love the ocean before a storm.  It makes me feel at peace. 

Quote for the Day :

“…I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild; when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and moody. And in all its moods, I see myself…”

— Martin Buxbaum



Breathe, Dammit!

My body has been playing some nasty tricks on me lately. By lately, I mean all of my life. But, especially lately, it seems to be really amping up the symptoms, making me imagine all sorts of diseases and physical abnormalities. I hurt my back a few weeks ago – a combination of couging, over-extending and just being a bit careless. It really scared me – the pain was horrible and I could barely stand up straight. My doctor told me it was just an acute issue and would resolve itself with rest and all the usual remedies – heat packs, anti-inflammatory gel (I can’t take the tablets) and the use of my beloved TENS machine (seriously – do you have one? They are THE BEST!). The pain did go away and I gingerly went back to my normal day-to-day routine. Until I bent over a bit weirdly and hurt it again. The pain went away much quicker this time and I thought it was all going to be ok. Until, this week, the pins and needles started in my legs and feet. Immediate meltdown from me, imagining everything from Parkinson’s disease to strokes and irreversible nerve damage. I am nothing if not a drama queen.

So, faced with these horrible imaginings, I took my doctor’s advice and went to a physio she had recommended. This morning, anxiety levels high and ability-to-cope-with-bad-news levels low, I spent an hour with said physio. She was awesome. Very thorough and kind, she talked about everything that my body is going through and how much of it is probably related to my overall anxiety and stress, combined with my really ridiculously tight muscles (brought on by stress and anxiety…you get the idea). She didn’t do the whole “it’s all in your head and you just need to relax” speech – she was very sympathetic and explained things. Because I have a history of nerve damage and neurological issues (from my meningitis), this also sets the body up to be hyper-responsive to stress and any physical sensation, especially if that sensation mirrors anything my body went through when I was really ill.

She was happy with my back and spine in general – didn’t find anything there to be concerned about (I was worrying about bulging discs) and my overall movement and range was ok. But I need to fix my breathing. This has always been an issue with me – I am a shallow breather, barely moving at all when I take a breath. The physio said she couldn’t even tell if I was actually breathing or not. So I have to learn how to breathe diaphragmatically. This is really tricky for me – I always hold my tummy in, even when supposedly relaxed – so it will take some time for me to retrain myself. I have had numerous doctors and physios tell me this. Now I HAVE to do something about it and really persevere with it (I am actually trying to do belly breathing right now as I type this). Because I don’t want to keep getting these problems.

Work has been incredibly stressful, with lots of redundancies and overall workplace anxiety.  Some days are really miserable and lonely – this does not help my mental wellbeing.  I miss my friends and the camaraderie that you get when you work together every day.  My workload has tripled and I am not always a happy camper.  Basically, I am a grumpy, stressed-out hag most days.  Having fuzzy feelings in my legs (and not just because I haven’t shaved them) is another stressor I could do without.  But I will take the pins and needles over the horrible back pain.  THAT I can live without, thank you.

I need to work on my fitness levels and stop the stress-eating (ie bingeing) that I have been doing.  My weight has crept up and that’s making me feel crummy.  I’m not exercising at all at the moment and that’s making me feel guilty AND crummy.  So I need to improve lots of things, starting with my coping mechanisms and mindfulness and the whole breathing thing.  So much work to do!

The Universe keeps telling me, in its own not-so-subtle way, that I need to chill out and calm down, stop worrying and de-stress, otherwise I will get sick or develop weird pains and other annoying bodily issues.  Pretty much every illness I’ve ever had has been stress-related, so I need to do something about it.  I don’t even know how to begin.  I don’t know HOW to stress less.  But I am going to have to learn, quick smart.

Do you have a really simple method for de-stressing?  For learning how to not worry?  All suggestions and advice gratefully received!

Thanks for dropping by – take care of yourselves x




Winter is Coming (and why I’m not going to complain about it so much this year)

I hate Winter.  I have said this many, many times.  I hate it so much that now, when it is actually still Autumn, I am already complaining and wearing scarves and boots and generally walking around being miserable with a definite case of SAD.  I hate that I have to wear trousers and jeans – ugh!  I hate that my fingers ache and my nose is red and I can’t feel my toes.  I hate that my hair goes from being a bit mad, to downright mental and ridiculous.  I spend several months looking like a drowned, frizzy rat.

I hate that the mornings are so cold and dark, and getting up is not only miserable but confusing (Body : Why are we getting out of bed?  It’s pitch black outside – surely it is not morning yet, you stupid girl!). I hate that everyone else whinges about the heat in Summer (which lasts for about three seconds, as opposed to Winter which lasts FOREVER!!!) and “enjoys” the cooler days.  Bah humbug to them, I say!

But then, after the events of this week in Manchester,  I stopped hating Winter quite so much.  Because I’m sure that all of the parents that lost children in that attack would trek through snow and ice, in bare feet, carrying the weight of the world on their back, just to see their loved ones again.  I’m cold – they’ve lost a child.  There’s no contest there.  Teenagers and adults also lost their lives – they will never feel the sting of Winter again, never get to complain about cold feet or rain-frizzed hair, never get to snuggle up with the people they love and enjoy a hot cup of tea.

The world is so scary right now.  I don’t know how it will ever get better.  And, although we are all focused on Manchester right now, there are of course incidents like this happening all over the world, in many different countries, and we tend to become jaded and desensitised about it, especially when it isn’t happening in our own backyard.  People live with this kind of terror every single day, for years on end, and it barely gets reported or, if it does, it comes somewhere down the list below some football team winning a championship and Taylor Swift’s latest relationship.

I don’t claim to know anything about politics, religion, or world affairs, or much about anything, really.  I tend to not watch the news because it’s so dreadfully depressing and upsetting.  I find myself just NOT WANTING TO KNOW.  Which is bad, I know, but I feel helpless and sad and anxious when I see/hear things I can’t do anything about.  And nowhere feels safe anymore.  And I have little people in my life who are just starting out and I fear for them so much.  I just pray that they are the change the world needs to see.  I have to believe that their beautiful spirits and hearts can make things better.

I don’t know where I am going with this post.  My heart hurts and I am just feeling cold, inside and out, and Winter cannot be blamed this time.

Be kind to one another.  Be understanding.  Show tolerance and acceptance and empathy.  We have to stop this happening over and over again.



Quote for the Day : Love is My Heart

“…Love is an afternoon of fishing when I’d sooner be at the ballet.
Love is eating burnt toast and lumpy gravy with a big smile.
Love is hearing the words ‘You’re beautiful’
as I fail to squeeze into my fat jeans.

Love is refusing to bring up the past, even if doing so would be a slam dunk to prove your point.
Love is your hand wiping away my tears, trying to erase streaks of mascara.

Love is the warm hug that extinguishes an argument.
Love is a humbly-uttered apology, even if not at fault.
Love is easy to recognize but so hard to define; however,
I think it boils down to this…

Love is caring so much about the feelings of someone else, you sacrifice whatever it takes to help him or her feel better.

In other words, love is my heart being sensitive to yours…”

— Richelle E. Goodrich – Making Wishes : Quotes,
Thoughts & a Little Poetry for Every Day of the Year

(Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.  The world needs a lot more love than it currently possesses – so try not to be cynical today.
Embrace and share love, in whatever way you can.
It’s never been more important than this moment in time.)



What I’m Worth

What I’m Worth

I don’t follow many blogs or online forums.  I don’t have the time and I’m not one for sitting and reading a computer screen for hours on end (unless it’s Pinterest…and that’s another story altogether!).  But one blog I do follow regularly, actually subscribe to, is Marc and Angel Hack Life : Practical Tips for Practical Living.  I’ve mentioned them before and, indeed, they are worth a mention.  I find their words and topics to be very comforting, spookily accurate and, quite often, exactly what I need at the time I’m reading them.  Today’s post is no exception.

I’ve been struggling a little bit this last week or so. Just feeling sad and a tad lonely.  My divorce still hasn’t come through and I guess the wait is starting to weigh on me a little.  I’m not sure how I am going to react when it does come through, but I’m pretty certain I won’t be shouting gleefully or jumping for joy.  It’s an odd feeling, having to say goodbye to something (and someone) that you know is no good for you, but that you still care about or, at least, think about often.  I’ve been beating myself up this week – going over and over everything I may have done wrong.  I’ve been re-living moments I could have approached differently or ways in which I could have changed to adapt better to the situation I found myself in.  I started blaming myself for being me.  All over again.  When I thought I had stopped those thoughts and self-defeating doubts.

Then, this morning, I read Marc and Angel’s post : 20 Things to Remember When Rejection Hurts

I won’t re-write the entire post – you should check it out for yourself! – but, basically, it tells us how we should value ourselves and believe in our own worth, even when someone else does not.  Their opinions and feelings are exactly that – theirs.  You have no control over them or their thoughts.  Marc and Angel write :

“…. you don’t need anyone’s constant affection or approval in order to be good enough in this world.  When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you.  It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs.  So you don’t have to internalize any of it!  Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent.  You exist, and therefore you matter.  You’re allowed to be yourself.  You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings.  You’re allowed to assert your needs.  You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is more than enough.  And you’re allowed to let go of anyone in your life who makes you feel otherwise…”

It’s exactly what I needed today, before I started wallowing any deeper in self-pity and bad self-esteem.  One point in particular really hit home for me :

# 3  Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve
crying at night or believing that you’re broken.

I’m going to try and remember that one, especially late at night when I am feeling sad and alone and doubting everything I am doing or wanting to do.

I hope you believe in yourself today and always x

Tunnelling towards something is better than trying to punch someone in the face…

Tunnelling towards something is better than trying to punch someone in the face…

I found out today (on Facebook – the bringer of all news, good, bad, true and speculative) that hubby (I still haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to refer to him as, so he’s still hubby for now until we’re actually divorced.  Then I will have to get used to saying “My ex”) is possibly going to have his girlfriend move in.  In to what was OUR home.  Less than 9 months after we separated.  Which seems very quick to me but maybe that’s how it goes.  For someone like me, who procrastinates and can’t make decisions, it just seems a little fast.  I still haven’t bought myself a proper couch, let alone moved someone else in with me.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised or upset by this. I have moved on and gotten my life together.  I’m doing ok and paying my bills, working and nesting and building a home for myself on my own, knowing I might be alone forever now.  And, on and off, I’ve been ok with that.  I haven’t been harbouring any secret dreams about us getting back together, of him coming to me and begging for my forgiveness.  I haven’t.  I dream about him all the time, but they’re always horrible dreams of him leaving me all over again and being nasty and me trying to win his attention or affection.  So even my subconscious is saying “He’s a jerk”.

But it still hurts.  I think it hurts even more knowing who the girl in question is and knowing that my hunch about them being involved even while we were still together was correct.  It’s a bit of a smack in the face (with a wet fish – a big, slimy, stinky fish).  I don’t want it to be, and I wish I could just go “Oh well..” and get past it, but right now it stings.  Because I couldn’t make him happy and I don’t matter.  It’s the not mattering that hurts the most, the not being important in even the smallest way.  I’m “stuff-you-scrape-off-the-bottom-of-your-shoe” insignificant.  And maybe that’s the way it is supposed to be when you break up with someone.  But it makes me keep thinking I must be a terrible person to not matter to someone who once cared for me.

But I’m ok.  I’m just venting.  It’s late and I’m tired and probably won’t sleep while I digest this new info and try to figure out its place in the world.  I might not even post this because I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be putting this kind of morose stuff on here.  People don’t read my blog in order to hear me whinging about my broken heart.  I should be upbeat and fun!  Crafty and creative!  Inspirational and motivational!  Funny and self-deprecating!  But then I would be lying.  At least for tonight when I am a little bit hormonal and am allowing myself a little bit of wallowing and sadness.  I’m getting better at not wallowing.  I’m an expert wallower.  Have been for years. I could wallow for Australia.  If wallowing was an Olympic sport, my shelves would be littered with gold medals and pictures of me standing on those little podium thingies with a bunch of flowers, wearing an unattractive track-suit and waving at crowds of people as they cheer at my amazing wallowing finesse).  But that’s not good enough for me any more.  Instead of digging myself a big, dark hole to climb in, I’m trying to take a different direction and maybe tunnel a little first, see where it takes me.  If there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and there usually is, I will go towards it and emerge at the other end, a little bit tired and grubby, blinking a lot and probably coughing and wheezing, but at least back out in the light.  And hopefully not wearing a track-suit.  They make me look a little hippy.

I hope I can be important to someone again.  But for now, I have to try and be that person for myself. 

Thank you for listening  x