“…How beautiful to find a heart that loves you,
without asking you for anything,
but to be okay…”
— Khalil Gibran
“…How beautiful to find a heart that loves you,
without asking you for anything,
but to be okay…”
— Khalil Gibran
“…The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do,
no matter what you try, will simply not like you.
But the world is also filled with those who will love you fiercely.
The ones who love you they are Your People.
Don’t waste your finite time and heart trying to convince the people who aren’t your people that you have value. They will miss it completely.
They won’t buy what you are selling. Don’t try to convince them to walk your path with you because you will only waste your time and your emotional good health.
You are not for them and they are not for you.
You are not their cup of tea and they are not yours.
Politely wave them along and you move away as well. Seek to share your path with those who recognise and appreciate your gifts, who you are.
Be who you are. You are not everyone’s cup of tea and that is OK…”
Nothing I worked on today worked out. NO-THING. It was horrible and debilitating and tear-inducing. I suck. My art sucks and I am sucking at everything. It sucks. Etc.
So, did I give up and boo-hoo and feel sorry for myself? Why, yes, I did. Very much so. But I also kept going (after the giving up part). I also didn’t eat a cookie (which is my normal way of dealing with a bad day). To be fair, I didn’t HAVE any cookies, so I couldn’t be tempted, but still…I didn’t go down the shop and get any either. Probably because that would have required shoes and a bra, and that wasn’t happening today.
I just kept trying. Trying in vain, mostly, because everything I touched turned into absolute rubbish, but trying nevertheless.
In between rounds of self-loathing and looking for cookies (ok, I’ll be honest), I made a card for a lovely penpal of mine. Rem and I have been writing to each other for 21 years (count ’em!) and despite my inability to remember his birthday even after all these years, I consider him to be a very dear friend. You can tell a penpal stuff you wouldn’t tell your regular friends. You can pour your heart out in a letter and never have to worry about seeing looks of disgust or disappointment on their faces. It’s very freeing. Also, they sometimes have amazing partners whom you can also be friends with (Hi, Dianne!) and be supported and inspired by (check out Dianne’s blog HERE – it’s awesome).
Rem and I usually email each other now – such is the technological world we live in and it’s cheaper than stamps – and I look forward to catching up with him and Dianne each week. He’s seen me through illness and depression and crappy marriages and unemployment and new jobs/bad jobs/looking for jobs. He is a man of distinctive qualities indeed (ie he has put up with me for a couple of decades).
So I owe him a card or two…or twenty.
So, Happy Belated Birthday Rem! Hope you had an amazing week and will forgive my tardiness yet again – the card is in the mail, I promise x
As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been house-sitting this week for a friend (SR) from work, and looking after her two gorgeous wuppets, Sam and Chloe. They are delightful but a bit nuts (as you would expect from two young labradors!). I had forgotten how much work dogs are – I don’t mean that in a bad way – and how guilty I feel when I am not entertaining them ha ha. I stayed home a lot because I didn’t want them to be alone too much and the weather was awful so I wanted them inside in the warm and dry. I mean, how can you look at this face and put him outside in the cold and wet weather???…….
They were really good anyway and just liked to be with me, whatever I was doing. because it was such miserable weather, I actually stayed indoors a lot and watched TV (which I NEVER do normally) – lots of cooking shows and decorating shows and things that basically made me want to eat a lot and paint stuff ha ha. Sam and Chloe were happy to nap and hang out in the lounge room, with intermittent play times – lots of ball-throwing and mad chasey games around the backyard – before taking another nap.
There is nothing cuter than a sleeping dog 🙂
Besides house-sitting, I’ve been madly house-HUNTING. Which is anxiety-inducing and stressful. I never thought I would be in the position to buy my own home and so I think I haven’t really prepared myself mentally for it. Everyone keeps telling me how exciting it is and I’m just thinking how scary it is. And then I feel guilty because I should be grateful I get to even consider buying a house, when some people don’t know where they’ll be sleeping tonight, let alone for years to come.
But I have to think of my future security and the fact that I will probably not be able to afford rent in the decades to come. I have to put my big girl pants on and be brave and make the commitment and BUY SOMETHING. But it’s hard. Borrowing all that money is hard. Figuring out what neighbourhood to live in is hard. Making a decision is hard. I don’t make decisions, I avoid them. I can’t even decide what colour socks to wear, let alone where I want to live.
Of course, where I will live is very much dependent upon what I can afford. Which isn’t much. I can’t afford to buy in my own neighbourhood here, which SUCKS big time because I love it here. So I am looking at nearby suburbs and faraway suburbs and suburbs I have never even heard of before.
I nearly put an offer on a townhouse last week. I was all ready to do it. And then I panicked. Majorly. Anxiety-Attack Central. It didn’t feel right and it all happened too quickly and the seller wanted to settle by the end of June and I have to get out of my rental lease and it will cost me a fortune to do that and AAGHAHAGHGHHHH! Basically, I had a bit of a conniption. So, no offer was made. I will re-look at the property in a couple of months time. If it’s still there, I will reconsider. But I think it will sell as it was a pretty good price and in good condition etc. I regret it a bit, but am also relieved I didn’t go through with it when I wasn’t feeling 100% sure. I felt the way I did just before I got married – and we all know how THAT turned out! Sometimes you have to go with your gut.
So, it’s back to the drawing board. I have banned myself from looking at places for the next couple of months, until I am nearing the end of my lease here. Then I will be ready, emotionally and financially. Or I will just find another excuse to not bite the bullet and buy. It’s just scary. I’m not good with scary. I never trust my own instincts with things so don’t know when I am making a sound judgement. Adulting is hard!
All I know is that I want to feel safe and happy in my home, have room for a cat or two and be able to get to work without too much hassle or commuting time. If I can win Lotto in the meantime and afford a nice neighbourhood with maybe a cafe strip and pretty streets, that would be a bonus. Maybe near the River or Ocean, with some friendly-but-not-nosey neighbours and my own lovely garden…I don’t ask for much 🙂
Firstly, apologies for not posting anything this last week or so. It was a busy, stressful time and I just lost track of the days. Plus, I had nothing of interest to say! Which isn’t unusual for me, let’s be honest. I’m not exactly a thrilling person to be around (or read about)! But the last week or two was focused on work stuff and other boring tasks and obligations. I had some friends and family in hospital too, so that took up some time and brain power. Basically, I didn’t have the “ooomph” to post anything.
I am currently on annual leave (thank the heavens!) for three weeks. I just really needed time off – I was feeling like I was going to have a nervous breakdown or punch someone in the face (possibly one of those things, followed by the other). I had time owing, so I took it. I was going to travel to Melbourne and have some time there, but decided to save my money and stay home and sort my shit out.
I have so much I want to do. Most of it involves culling and cleaning. LOTS of culling. I have so much stuff and it is overwhelming me. Most of it is just clutter and junk and silly little things I can’t get rid of, for whatever reason. Today I went through my wardrobe (precipitated by me going to the op-shop yesterday and buying more clothes) and sorted tonnes of stuff out. I made up three big garbage bags full of items I know longer need or want. Shoes and handbags and pants and skirts and tops and EVERYTHING. I seem to keep more handbags than I actually will ever need, in case I have a wedding to go to. What kind of crazy reasoning it that??? If, in the event of being invited to a wedding, I find myself without a suitable handbag, surely I can just go and buy one at the time? I don’t actually need to keep twenty of them in my house at any given time. Plus, most of the ones I have are really old now and probably not in style. Not that that normally bothers me, but it seems a bit ridiculous.
I have put on a lot of weight in the last year or so, so I really needed to bite the bullet and get rid of my “skinnier” clothes that I do not fit in to anymore. While it pains me, and it does, these items are just sitting around, reminding me that I am a fatty. I might as well get rid of them and use the promise of being able to buy more when I am thinner as an incentive to lose weight. So, out they go. I even have pants from when I was just out of hospital after my meningitis and they are like crazy small sizes. I will NEVER fit into those again so why keep them? The op-shop is getting LOTS of stuff from me this week.
I’m also taking the opportunity to sort my remaining clothes in to Summer and Winter stuff – storing the Summer items away in plastic tubs. There are no in-between seasons for me – I am either freezing cold or warm. Trans-seasonal does not exist in my house. So I’m either in shorts or I’m in in thermals and walking around the house wearing a blanket. That’s how I roll. It is still Autumn here but it may as well be the middle of Winter, as far as I’m concerned. So, out come the jumpers and cardigans and long pants (ugh – how I loathe pants) and *shudders* jeans. They all need ironing, mind you, so that’s the next big task. I hate ironing and avoid it like the plague. But I am not totally feral, so iron I must, if I don’t want to look creased and prove myself to be failing as an adult yet again.
My craft room will of course be on the list of things that need sorting. It’s in such a state. I will have to be brave and get rid of stuff. I have a few arty-crafty friends who might take it off my hands, otherwise I will box it up and give it to the op-shop as well I guess?
Speaking of crafting…last weekend I spent a few happy hours at a friend’s house, having a lovely card-making day. It was so nice. Four of us brought our supplies and things to share and had great fun working away at our own little projects. I’m not very good at working in a group, to be honest. I think I am so used to creating on my own that I get a bit self-conscious around other people. But I had fun anyway and made a couple of cards. I didn’t bring a lot of supplies with me – I just wanted to finish some things off more than anything. So I completed a couple of my “doodled” Little Peeps cards and I am reasonably happy with them. One of the ladies at the table had a Big Shot embossing machine so we were able to have a go with that and create some nice backing papers and card (for example, the dotty white one I used in this Happy Birthday card). We had some yummy lunch and caught up on each other’s lives and enjoyed some quiet, yet busy creative time.
I stuffed up the stamping (of the text) in this one but it is ok I suppose…
I won’t be doing any crafting this week, I don’t think. I need to knuckle down and sort my life and house out. I can reward myself later with some mess-making crafting. For now I have to concentrate on culling and de-cluttering, sorting and organising. Not nearly as much fun, but definitely necessary for my sanity and state of mind.
Sorry for this boring post – just didn’t want to be neglecting my blogging duties altogether. Have a happy weekend and Happy Anzac Day (tomorrow) to my fellow Aussies and Kiwis! Lest We Forget x
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born…”
Merry Christmas to you all. I hope that your day is festive and fabulous, joyful and filled with good times, good people and lots of love. If you’re on your own (and would rather not be), I am sending you hugs and friendship (although, as I said in my previous post, I am rubbish at hugs – I’ll try not to make this awkward for you on Christmas Day). If you’re on your own (and are delighted to be so), I am wishing you peace and tranquillity, contentment and the freedom to enjoy your day however, and wherever, you see fit. Christmas comes I all shapes and sizes, after all.
Just a little video link here, for you all. Warning : it is sappy and sweet and delightful and, if you’re anything like me, it will make you blub. Bring some tissues. Then go hug someone and tell them you love them.
Have a wonderful day. Be kind to one another x