Image

I can see clearly now…

As of this weekend, I have begun the descent into the whole clichéd librarian-with-glasses scenario.  I got myself some specs.  Not prescription ones, just yet – these are just the cheapo magnifying ones you get at the chemist – as I only really need them for close work (namely, my crafting).  I will see how I go over the next few months and then bite the bullet and get prescription ones as necessary.  I don’t mind having them – I’m not one of those people who think glasses are ugly or make you look bad.  I actually kinda like them on me – they distract from my face 🙂

Hopefully they will make for less squinty drawing and cutting out, less mistakes and better attention to detail.  If anything, I can now see how badly my eyebrows need plucking, and be able to do something about it, instead of just guessing and plucking in the general vicinity, which can be problematic ha ha.

I’d been secretly hoping my vision would remain perfect into my old age, but now I’m in my forties it is clear that this will not be the case.  It’s all (physically) downhill from here, so everyone keeps telling me.  But it’s ok.  My Mum has worn glasses for decades and she still produces the most beautiful, fine work that looks as though it had been created by someone with Superman-strength eyeballs.  Plus now I can rock the proper librarian look some of the time (better get me a bun and some sensible shoes) and look over my glasses disparagingly at people when they have overdues or are noisy.

Hope you are having a lovely day – whether you have four eyes or two 🙂

IMG_3366

Image

Walking away the Woes

Been a difficult week this one.  Dealing with a lot of stuff.  Which is like every other week, but some week’s stuff is worse than another week’s stuff, y’know?  It’s heavier and darker and murkier and stronger.  No real reason, it just IS.

I’ve been trying to get my butt out to walk, at least every other day.  It does help.  Not because YAY EXERCISE AND ENDORPHINS! but because it just gives me one less thing to dislike about myself and be dissatisfied about.  I can tick the “get moving” box and scrub out the guilt-ridden one.  I can feel like my blood is pumping and I’ve breathed in a little bit more air.  It forces me to exhale (and, granted, wheeze and pant a little) and just be part of the world.  Instead of hiding, which is what I would rather be doing, in all honesty.

I am so lucky to live near water – it is cleansing and soothing.  It brings an inner peace, if only for a few moments and makes things a bit clearer.

I walk – not because I want to (not yet, not now) but because I know I need to.

I hope you are doing ok this week, wherever you are x

IMG_2284

IMG_2279

IMG_2282

IMG_2281

IMG_2283

IMG_2280

IMG_2277

Sicky Bicks

Sicky Bicks

Apologies yet again for delay in posting.  I have been sick.  Sicky, sicky, sicky bicks.  It started off one Thursday night whilst I was out shopping – I suddenly felt very unwell, stomach-achey and nauseous and had to go home quickly.  The next morning I woke up feeling like I’d been run over by a truck.  Headache, aches all over and horrible nauseating stomach cramps.  I took the day off work thinking it was just a tummy wog or maybe the start of the flu.  I thought it would be all over in a day or two.  But no…

I felt so ill.  I was super tired and couldn’t do anything all day.  The aches had gone but the nausea – oh Mylanta! – it was horrible.  I hadn’t felt that ill since my meningitis days. That in itself made me feel terrible.  I always get a bit pathetic when I’m ill – it makes me stressed and worried that something is REALLY wrong and that I’M GOING TO DIE!!!

I couldn’t eat anything, didn’t want to.  I could barely drink anything either which worried me as I have to be careful about keeping hydrated (because of my renal impairment).  A friend was kind enough to bring me some supplies of ginger ale and lemonade so I could at least have something to drink that was more appealing than water.  Another close friend brought me soup and toilet paper (because I had run out and was starting to panic – loo paper is one of the necessities of life after all) but I was really weak and could barely stand at the door to take the bags of stuff.  See?  pathetic!

I went to a doctor on the Monday.  She was hopeless – didn’t even look at me except to say I was pale.  She didn’t take my temperature or examine me or anything.  She said we should do some blood tests to determine if I was low on iron.  Which seemed a bit pointless to me.  She prescribed some medication for nausea and that was it.  I had the blood tests, which the lab then promptly lost (duh!).  By Tuesday I was feeling pretty rotten but tried to spend a day at work.  My workmates sent me home by 1pm.  The following day (after speaking to my local chemist who said I should probably go to another doctor as I was too sick for just a virus and it had been going on too long) I made myself an appointment with a different GP and she was much more thorough.  She took my temperature (wow! how innovative!) and my blood pressure, felt my tummy etc and ordered some more tests to be done, including a heliobacter breath test to see if I had an ulcer or at least a heliobacter infection causing problems.

I went to stay with my Mum for a couple of days.  I just needed some babying and looking-after.  She was very worried (as Mothers sometimes are) and fussed over me as I had expected (and looked forward to, to be honest.  Being ill on your own is miserable).  She had the misfortune of witnessing me vomit rather spectacularly one night and started nagging me about getting back to the doctor.

By Saturday, I was still unwell and feeling very exhausted and lethargic.  All I could do was sleep.  I hadn’t eaten much at all for a week. I made another appointment with the GP to discuss my results of the blood and breath test.  Everything had come back negative except for a slightly unusual liver result.  She wondered if I had gall stones.  So she referred me to a gastroenterologist/hepatologist and ordered an ultrasound.  I am now officially poor – everything costs so much these days!  Even a ten minute consult with a GP is ridiculously expensive.  At least Medicare pays for some… The specialist changed one of my medications to help the nausea and reflux (an existing issue I already had) and promised to do an endoscopy next week if I was no better.

Anyway, the ultrasound showed nothing exciting – all normal.  Even my kidneys looked ok which I wasn’t expecting.  I thought Lefty would be smaller as that is the one that was damaged the most with the meningitis.  But nope, both kidneys were the same size.

I am now waiting on blood test results from the specialist – he suspected possible hepatitis, but even then he was clutching at straws.  So it will probably end up being some weird lurgy that no one can define.  I always get things wrong with me that have no explanation.  It’s my talent.

I am now feeling a lot better – thank the Gods.  I woke up on Tuesday thinking “Wow, I actually feel human…” though I am still very tired.  I lost 3kg which was awesome, though not really the way I had wanted to do it.  I’m still not eating much – kinda have to force myself to have something, but I am trying to drink lots at least.

So please excuse my absence.  I hope it won’t happen again and that that particular health issue doesn’t raise its ugly head in the future.

🙂

This Week

This Week

It’s been a busy week, starting with last Friday night, when I stayed at my Aunt’s house.  My Uncle is very ill in hospital and my family and I are taking it in turns to stay with my Aunt, just so she isn’t alone at night.  She’s perfectly able to take care of herself, but she is worried and stressed and sad – much better if she has company.  It was actually really nice staying with her.  We got to chat and catch up, which is something we hardly ever get to do.  She’s awesome 🙂  As children, we always loved her because she was the one adult who would always listen to us and not think we were silly or whatever.

So I got to hang out with her and her pony (Fibber), her cat (Socks) and collie dog (Heidi).  They’re all lovely and such good companions for her and my Uncle.  Socks was a bit of a wildcat in her younger days, but has mellowed a lot in recent times.

IMG_0467

Heidi is a pretty, gentle girl who just wants to be with you all the time.

IMG_0468

On Saturday I went shopping with my Mum.  We had lunch out and bought some presents for my brother (it’s his birthday this weekend).  We also went op-shopping and I got some nice skirts and tops (which I drew into my art journal).

IMG_0483

On Sunday, I had a lazy day at home, pottering around, doing lots of laundry (as it was sunny and warm outside) and trying to tidy up my wreck of a house.  I finished off some jewellery a friend had ordered – mostly repairs and revamps of stuff I had already made for her (that she will insist on wearing in the ocean and swimming pools so they fall to pieces).

IMG_0477

IMG_0476

IMG_0478

IMG_0475

I must admit I spent some time on the couch, dozing a bit, too.  Sundays were kinda meant for that, right?

IMG_0491

I did go for several walks this week, so at least I can feel less guilty about my exercise routine.  On Thursday, I went to my cousin’s for dinner.  She, my two nieces, and I, went for a nice evening walk and then did a 7-minute home workout (she has an app on her phone that yells at you in a drill sargeant voice).  I am so unfit, but at least I didn’t die or pass out.  My legs and arms hurt though haha.  I had a horrible migraine yesterday and I think it may have been from the tightness in my neck and shoulders (from attempting pushups).  See?  More proof that being healthy is dangerous to your health! 🙂

I got to cuddle my nieces’ guinea pigs, Charlotte and Ella.  They are adorable, and relatives of my own beloved Roderick.  They are very well behaved little piggies – quite happy to sit on a towel on the floor, munching on a food treat while the girls pat them or give them kisses.

IMG_0519

Yesterday, in the afternoon, I went for a walk, to try and clear my head and get rid of the migraine that was threatening to split my skull open.  My library assistant had recently discovered a path through the nearby bushland, so I decided to check it out and go for a stroll.  In hindsight, probably not the best idea, going into the bush on your own – next time I will try and go with a work-mate.  The day was beautiful – cool but sunny and bright and it was so peaceful and calm in amongst the true and other plants.  I thought I might see a snake (as we had one outside work this week) but I didn’t, just heard some rustling, which could have been anything from a lizard to a mouse.  Not a lot of wildflowers in there but a few pretty ones were spotted.  The bright colours stood out against the brown barks and dried leaves, grasses and shrubs.

IMG_0575

IMG_0573

IMG_0578

The only wildlife I saw was a cheeky Willy wagtail, bobbing about on the path in front of me.

IMG_0571

It was a nice way to spend half and hour.  Didn’t get rid of my headache, but still nice anyway.  The path went for miles and miles so I couldn’t explore it all, but will go back another time.

IMG_0577

IMG_0570

When I got back to work, I decided to head home early (with some pushing from my assistant) as my head really was splitting and I just needed to lie down in a dark room somewhere.  As I was leaving, I saw these two pink and grey galahs in the trees outside our car park.  They let me get quite close, to take photos, before flying off into the trees further into the bush.  We are so lucky to be surrounded by so much natural bushland and to experience a few visits from native fauna.

 IMG_0567

IMG_0568

I went home, took my migraine pills and then slept for 18 hours.  Isn’t that terrible?  I slept and slept and didn’t wake up until mid morning.  Still a bit “foggy” in the head, but better than yesterday.  Hope it will be gone by tomorrow so I can get on with some things.  My Mum and I are staying with my Aunt again tonight and tomorrow we will visit my brother.  Then the whole weekend will be gone and it will be back to work (boo hoo).  I’m seeing a rheumatologist this week for my stupid painful finger and hand.  I hope it is nothing nasty…

Hope you’ve had a happy, healthy week 🙂

Update on the Girls

Update on the Girls

So it’s been a couple of months since I had my breast reduction and I figured I should give a quick update.  A purely text-based update.  No pictures.  Ew.  Actually, the scarring is so ridiculously minimal, you would hardly even know I had had anything done.  It really is amazing.  In such a short space of time.

I am able to wear a “normal” bra now, not just the surgical one 24-7.  I still alternate between the two though – I have gotten used to the surgical one and it’s pretty comfy.  I’m not allowed to wear underwire bras yet but next month I can transition to that if I feel comfortable doing so.  I am still supposed to be wearing the silicone patches at night to help with the scarring but I have been a bit slack with those.  They’re starting disintegrate a bit and so I haven’t been wearing them every night.  I don’t want to buy replacements – they’re very expensive, especially as they’re purely for cosmetic reasons.  If they were to stop infection or prevent my boob from falling off, then maybe I would get some more.  But if it’s just to help reduce a scar no one else is probably going to see, meh.  The majority of the scarring has gone or faded to almost nothing anyway.

I have to start getting back to proper exercise.  I used my boobs as an excuse for not exercising for so long, I can’t continue with that excuse any longer.  I’m allowed to exercise more vigorously now, as long as the “girls” are properly supported.  So will get on to that.  I would really like to go running but ever since the meningitis, my balance is so whack and I get vertigo if I move quickly.  More excuses 🙂

It’s been a bit of a process getting used to the new me.  I don’t regret the surgery at all. AT ALL.  But it is strange to be so much smaller.  I won’t say I feel less feminine – I don’t – and it’s not like I miss having big boobs – I really don’t – but sometimes it’s, I don’t know, weird, to be this size.  My clothes fit differently and I LOOK different, not just in that area but overall.  As predicted, I am now paranoid about the rest of my body.  I hate my lower half now with the same passion I hated my top half before.  Never satisfied.  But I will work on it.  I just want to be in proportion.

My neck and back have been SO much better.  The improvement was immediate.  Much of that is psychological, I’m sure, but who cares?  I know I am holding myself differently and not slouching so much.  I’m not “hiding” myself the way I did before.  And even with all the scarring and swelling and everything else, even straight after surgery they look 100% better than they did.  I am not complaining at all.  I just have to work on my attitude to myself and get my health and fitness levels up again so I don’t start thinking about having liposuction ha ha.

I do feel a bit more confident in my general self.  I guess I don’t feel like I am on show any more.  Maybe I was imagining it before.  Maybe no one ever noticed my boobs.  But I felt like they did and I hated it.  Now I’m just more normal looking.  To me anyway.  I feel smaller, in a good way.  Not sticking out like a sore thumb, so to speak.

I wish wish wish I had done this before.  I could have had avoided years of pain and anxiety.  I could have saved myself thousands of dollars in physio sessions and medications and pain killers and heat rubs and quack therapies.  I could have been less self-conscious for a whole extra decade or so.  But we live and learn.  I’m so glad I did it.  I’m glad I made the decision on my own and did it all on my own.  No one else to answer to.  I paid for it myself and I needed no one else’s permission or blessing.

I had a fabulous doctor.  I could not have asked for better.  He didn’t treat me like a piece of meat, but like a human being he wanted to help.  Do I think he is in it for the money?  No, I don’t.  But I think he was worth every penny.  And, in the end, it really wasn’t expensive, all things considered.  And what price can you put on happiness and health anyway?

So, all in all, would I do it again?  Yes.  Would I recommend it to someone else?  Yes, yes and yes.  Is there a period of adjustment afterwards?  Yes.  There have been days when I feel…not regret…but a feeling of, I don’t know…did I do the right thing?  The doubt only lasts two seconds and then I go back to being happy and knowing I did the right thing.  Being in less pain is amazing.  Feeling less self-conscious is awesome.  Being able to fit in clothes is great.

It’s all good.  The girls are ok 🙂

Trainwreck

Trainwreck

So, (and yes, I do start a lot of my conversations with “so”.  Like a teenager. I do not ever use “LOL” or “OMG” or any of those annoying abbreviations, so I figure I am allowed to say “So” at the beginning of conversations, blog posts and any other form of communication if I want to.) I went to see the movie Trainwreck with a friend tonight.  It’s not the kind of movie I would generally watch, but I really enjoyed it.  Amy Schumer is great.  I even found myself tearing up during the emotional bits – the sad, ugly crying bits where Amy realises she is a bit of a screw up and wants to join the human race.

But then I start wondering, what is wrong with me? Why am I watching this film, which is supposed to be hilariously funny, and getting all boo-hooey? Nobody who reviewed Trainwreck said “Make sure you bring your tissues – this one’s a real tear-jerker!” It’s not the kind of film you recommend your Mum sees, because it’s “so adorable” and sweet and romantic.  Well, I guess it is those things, in a “look-at-that-girl-she’s-such-a-mess-she’s-adorable” kind of way.  But it’s not, y’know, Sleepless in Seattle.

There are several reasons I can think of that would make me get teary in relation to such a film:

  1. I am hormonal. Everything makes me cry right now. Seriously. Big ugly, snotty blubbing.
  2. Amy Schumer is supposedly the “bigger” girl in Hollywood right now and is always (in interviews) putting herself down as the chunky/overweight/ugly/clumsy/unattractive girl.  If she is chunky, I am in trouble.  I saw her run in heels – that ain’t clumsy.  She wears skirts shorter than some belts I own and they’re ain’t nothin’ wrong with her legs.  I find this depressing.  If she is considered overweight and unattractive, I may as well pack up shop now and move to somewhere very remote where people do not venture.  Seriously, I should begin my career as a hermit yak herder in Siberia.  I don’t know if hermit yak herders are something you have in Siberia but it seems like a good plan.  Basically, I should just go somewhere isolated and uninhabited.  A lighthouse on the moon, that sort of thing.
  3. I am lonely.  I don’t feel lonely, but every now and then something will happen that reminds I am alone and quite possibly will be forever.  Most of the time that is ok, but combine it with suddenly feeling grossly obese and monstrously hideous, and it becomes overwhelming.  Sure, Amy’s character is a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed drunk who sleeps around, but hey, she looks attractive doing it and she has nice hair.  I just dyed mine a really weird dark red colour which was a big mistake and will take ages to wash out so not only do I feel fat and ugly, I have weird hair.
  4. Despite the fact, Amy’s character is basically, well, a trainwreck, she still manages to get the greatest guy ever who is lovely and sweet and caring and smart and funny and wonderful.  That makes me sad.  Where is the guy who will fall in love with cookie-bingeing, hormonal, messy, disorganised, slightly mental me?  I don’t even do drugs!  Or drink!  I can’t even have chocolate!  Gimme a break people!

So, there are those reasons.  At the moment I am feeling decidedly revolting due to having a few weeks leave where I haven’t been able to exercise at all (because I am normally so diligent about that…not!) and have basically consumed my entire body weight in cookies and cake and other foods that do not look remotely like carrot sticks or celery.  I tried on several pairs of jeans tonight and only one out of four pairs fit me.  In the end, I gave up and put on my fat pants.  Even they were a little less roomy than I remember them.  I think I could have watched any movie tonight and it would have made me sad.  Because I am fatter than I would like to be and, even worse, it is my own fault.  I know I can lose it again.  I lost 30kg before (ok, it was actually 28kg, but I like to round it up to a nice even number…it sounds more impressive) and I can do it again.  But it seems so hard.  And lonely.  And HARD.  Almost too hard.  I’ll be 42 in six months’ time.  I should be over this stuff already. I’m tired of hating myself.

I feel bad for even feeling bad.  I mean, people are starving in the world and I’m whinging because I eat too much?  Boo-hoo, poor me.  I have fat legs?  How sad.  Some people don’t even have legs! (But, to be fair, I have had meningitis and risked losing my limbs so…ok, that’s not even an argument worth having).  Basically, I have NOTHING to complain about.

I don’t even know what this post is about.  Tomorrow I will read it and call myself an idiot and make a mental note never to blog when I am hormonal or sad or wallowing in self-hatred.  Which will probably mean I never blog again.  Which might be a relief to some people.

If you’re having one of these days, know that you are not alone.  Let us wallow together.  I will make tea and NOT offer you a cookie (because we’re both on diets now).  It will be better tomorrow and if not, the day after that might be ok.

Apologies for late-night whinging.  Thank you for listening.

 x

Cups

Cups

Now that I have smaller boobs
There’s one thing on my mind
To get some clothes that fit me well
(They’ve been previously hard to find)

I’m going to get me a turtle-neck
It’s the stuff of dreams come true
To be able to wear its tight-fitting style
For me is an amazing coup

I’m going to find some button-up tops
That actually BUTTON UP!
It’s such a revelation to me
To shop with smaller cups

I’m going to feel more confident
I’m going to be less shy
I’m going to enjoy the feeling
Of having people look me in the eye

My chest won’t be my shame now
It won’t even raise a glance
I’ll be walking around with no clothes on
Just give me half a chance!

I won’t have to worry ’bout jiggle
I won’t have to worry ’bout bounce
I won’t have to worry ’bout being covered up
I won’t have to worry an ounce

But now there’s the worry of my thighs
I think they’re a little too thick
And the sight of the stomach I now can see
Is making me feel a bit sick

I think I’ll focus on my top half
Pretend the bottom ain’t there
I’ll focus on sweaters and blouses and vests
(and make sure my legs are not bare)

I’ll no longer have an achey neck
My back will feel much better too
It’s such a relief to have less pain
I’ll be doing less whinging here too

So I’ll raid the shops for clothing
I’ve never been brave to wear
I’ll pick up low-cut t-shirts
Try them on without a care

Because now my boobs are smaller
Life has changed somewhat
I’ve always been grateful for life as it is
(but now I’m happy with what I’ve got)

Sorry, couldn’t help myself 🙂