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Quote for the Day : Sometimes

“…Sometimes I just want space to be me
But then I remember I don’t know who “me” is
And any space I have is filled with the unknowing
And the questions about what I should be doing
And if I should replace the “Should” with a “Could”
And if I have always been wrong and always will be
And if everyone knows my secrets
or if my secrets are hidden away and will never be discovered
and will die with me, alone and unknown

Sometimes I want to disappear
But then I remember my footprints on this Earth are forever
The damage is already done and I can’t be forgotten, at least by the Earth
But to the others I am already a memory
And a fading one at that
Because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do and try harder to be the same
As them 
And all the others
who succeeded where I had failed

Sometimes I want to stand out
But then I remember standing out means you are different
And different is not always a happy place
Even if it is an authentic place
And a place to lay your soul
When it is tired of being hungry and having to fight with itself
About things that should be easy or not there at all

Sometimes I want to be still
But then I remember I have to keep moving
In case the truth catches up with me and it’s too much to take in
Like a hurricane in a teacup
But the moving gets harder and I end up running on the spot
While everyone passes by me
Unconcerned by the diminishing space I am taking up
As I burrow into the ground, a whirlpool at my feet…”

–Anonymous

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Walking away the Woes

Been a difficult week this one.  Dealing with a lot of stuff.  Which is like every other week, but some week’s stuff is worse than another week’s stuff, y’know?  It’s heavier and darker and murkier and stronger.  No real reason, it just IS.

I’ve been trying to get my butt out to walk, at least every other day.  It does help.  Not because YAY EXERCISE AND ENDORPHINS! but because it just gives me one less thing to dislike about myself and be dissatisfied about.  I can tick the “get moving” box and scrub out the guilt-ridden one.  I can feel like my blood is pumping and I’ve breathed in a little bit more air.  It forces me to exhale (and, granted, wheeze and pant a little) and just be part of the world.  Instead of hiding, which is what I would rather be doing, in all honesty.

I am so lucky to live near water – it is cleansing and soothing.  It brings an inner peace, if only for a few moments and makes things a bit clearer.

I walk – not because I want to (not yet, not now) but because I know I need to.

I hope you are doing ok this week, wherever you are x

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Beach Blues

We are having some wacky weather this month.  Due to Cyclone Stan in the North, we are experiencing cool, windy, stormy, wet weather.  Yuck.  Actually, it’s not so bad and a bit of a relief from the usual stifling Summer heat.

I think I do get a little bit affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder because I am usually pretty miserable all Winter (ha ha – or most of the time, let’s face it) and this last week or two have been decidedly down.  It doesn’t take much to knock me off my perch, mood-wise, and I think the dull weather really bothers my psyche.  So, I have been a bit sad and stressed and in-the-dumps.  Just struggling a bit with life in general I guess, through one thing or another – the murky weather mirroring my mood (or the other way round).

Anyway, yesterday I went snorkelling with my good friend SR.  Yesterday was NOT perfect snorkelling weather, especially when you’ve never snorkelled before (like me).  The water was very rough and a bit churned up, the wind was cold and it was not the lovely, sunny and bright conditions you would ideally like when mucking about in the ocean.  However, we still had a nice time and saw so many fishies!  I was surprised at how many were that close to the shore (we were only 3 metres or so from the beach) just swimming about amongst the reefs and rocks.  I wish I had an underwater camera so I could have taken some pictures but, alas, I do not.  You’ll just have to take my word for it – there were fishies!  Little white ones and spotty ones and I don’t know what any of them were called (George, Fred, Martha?) but they were very cute and plentiful despite all the people bobbing about in their environment.

It was so nice to be in the water, even for just a short time, and I do so love the beach, in any weather.  We went for some walks up and down the shore too, just to talk and catch up.  Just having your feet in the sand and the wind in your hair is enough to blow away some cobwebs and get your mental well-being back in to check.  I will have to practice my snorkelling technique (well, I don’t actually have one at all right now…) and improve my swimming strength, but all in all, I would happily go again.  I should make the effort.  I am always saying I love the ocean, but I never go.  It’s always too far or no one wants to go with me or it’s too sunny (I burn) or too cold (I freeze).  No more excuses now.  You’re my witnesses.  It did upset my vertigo a bit (it’s been really playing up lately) but I’m not going to let that put me off, if I can help it.

Anyway, it was a good morning with good friends and an equally good breakfast afterwards at the Soda Café (Field Mushrooms with Polenta and Goats Curd – yum!) and just what I needed to get rid of the blues, at least for a few hours.  The sun did eventually come out, after all.  Hopefully I can keep it with me for a little while longer 🙂

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Onwards and Upwards (or, The Fight Against the Downward Spiral)

Onwards and Upwards (or, The Fight Against the Downward Spiral)

I have had a rough couple of years.  Actually make that three years.  Then add on a decade or two.  Whilst being blessed with an amazing (albeit slightly insane) family and the most wonderful and loyal friends imaginable, I have always had trouble being happy.  To tell the truth, I don’t really know what happiness feels like, which is very sad and quite the annoying little conundrum.  This unhappiness is not due to a terrible upbringing (mine was normal and loving and safe) or a precarious political or economic climate (Australia – it’s pretty chilled).  I wasn’t born deformed, I don’t have a speech impediment or a brain disfunction (well…not a diagnosed one anyway) and I didn’t grow up in a cult (although I did love Bros in my teens and probably would have given up my life for them if they asked.  Which they didn’t.  Probably a good thing in retrospect).  We weren’t rich but we had enough – I never went hungry, I never went to sleep at night not knowing where I would sleep the next – I wasn’t picked on in school (well, no more than anyone else) and I wasn’t abused or neglected by my parents.

So why so glum, chum? You may well ask (or not – you probably have your own problems) as you try to see what the heck I have to complain about and make me so sad.  The answer is SELF ESTEEM, or, rather, the lack of it.  I never had any.  I don’t know where to get it.  I don’t know how to hang on to it once you have it.  I don’t know what it feels like and how you know you have it when you get it.  It’s a complete mystery to me.  Just like I will never wake up one morning knowing anything about physics or chemistry, I am also unlikely to wake up feeling good about myself.  

I often think it is a gene that I just didn’t inherit.  Some people get long legs or red hair or a big nose – I got low self esteem.  So low as to be nonexistent or at least very very hard to locate.  I do not possess the ability to say good things about myself or think them or accept nice words and compliments from other people.  I don’t know why, but I am trying to do something about it.

Counselling.  Sigh.  I have gone down this route before and it has helped some but I don’t think I really gave it my best and proper attention.  I think I did a lot of eye-rolling and agreeing with whatever the counsellor said.  I think I zoned out constantly.  I cried (a lot) and deflected ( a lot).  I didn’t use the time wisely.  Which is dumb but also a direct result of having low self esteem (don’t deserve help, don’t accept it and work with it).  But I am going to try it again.  I have to.  Next year I will be 40 and that scares me.  Not the age but the fact that I am the same person I was when I was 4 and 14 and 24.  Scared and sad and hating myself.  Which is a crummy way to be.  And now it is directly affecting my relationships and my marriage and my life in general.  And that’s not cool.  It’s time to put a stop to it

So, I am about to start down the counselling path once more.  I don’t look forward to it but I have to go there and make the effort and make myself a better me.  Not just for me, but for those around me that have been affected by my self-doubt and unhappiness.  Maybe one day soon I will be able to look in the mirror and say “You know what?  You’re ok kid!”  

I promise not to drag you down the mental health street.  It is littered with whining and complaining and excuse-making.  It’s not a great place to visit and you have no need to go there with me.  I am writing this because I need to make a statement to myself and kinda have it witnessed.  I am going to try my very best to get better.  No.  I am going to get better.  At liking myself, at being myself and at forgiving and accepting myself. And possibly at ironing because I am RUBBISH at ironing 🙂

Thanks for indulging me.  This has nothing to do with craft or cooking or anything even remotely arty or thrifty or creative.  It’s just about me.  And that me needs to change, for my sake and the sake of the people around me.

So here’s to a new me.  By this time next year I may be so big-headed that I go around wearing a t-shirt that says “I am awesome!” and actually believing it.  It seems unlikely (and possibly not really what I’m aiming for here) so I will settle for a little inner voice that tells me I’m alright and can achieve anything and have a right to be here.  That’ll do.

 

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