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Song Lyric for the Day : Hold Heart

“Hold Heart” – Emiliana Torrini

Hold heart don’t beat so loud
For me keep your calm
As he walks out on you

No tears don’t you come out
If you blind me now
I am defeated

No lips don’t make a sound
Don’t let him hear
The break in your voice

Hand let go of his
With ease n’ grace
Don’t let him bleed
Under your nails

Oh lord take of thy crown
You’re my king no more
With that merciless heart

Hold heart don’t beat so loud
For me keep your calm
As he walks out on you

No tears don’t you come out
If you blind me now
I am defeated

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Quote for the Day : Love is My Heart

“…Love is an afternoon of fishing when I’d sooner be at the ballet.
Love is eating burnt toast and lumpy gravy with a big smile.
Love is hearing the words ‘You’re beautiful’
as I fail to squeeze into my fat jeans.

Love is refusing to bring up the past, even if doing so would be a slam dunk to prove your point.
Love is your hand wiping away my tears, trying to erase streaks of mascara.

Love is the warm hug that extinguishes an argument.
Love is a humbly-uttered apology, even if not at fault.
Love is easy to recognize but so hard to define; however,
I think it boils down to this…

Love is caring so much about the feelings of someone else, you sacrifice whatever it takes to help him or her feel better.

In other words, love is my heart being sensitive to yours…”

— Richelle E. Goodrich – Making Wishes : Quotes,
Thoughts & a Little Poetry for Every Day of the Year

(Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.  The world needs a lot more love than it currently possesses – so try not to be cynical today.
Embrace and share love, in whatever way you can.
It’s never been more important than this moment in time.)

x

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Now I am Forty-Three

So, today is my 43rd birthday.  Forty-three.  Four decades-and-a-bit.  Where the hell did those years go?!  I’m sure time speeds up as you get older.  I know I am very aware of time passing and, more depressingly, time running out.

Last year, I wrote a post about being forty two, and what I knew to be true at that point.  Not much has changed since then.  I still don’t know what the heck I am doing half the time, but I guess that’s ok.  I hope so anyway.  Though there is still a tonne of stuff I don’t know, there are some things which I know to be true FOR SURE.

  1. After forty, the body basically gives up and tells you where you can stick your diets and exercise.  Things sag and bulge and lose the ability to look like they did when you  were twenty.  This is ok.  Horrible and annoying, but ok.  No one else will notice except for you, because they are all too busy worrying about their own saggy bits, so don’t focus on it too much.  If you do, you will become dull, depressing AND saggy.  And that’s just sad.
  2. Don’t worry too much about trying to figure out your face shape.  Whether it is a heart or an oval or a dodecahedron doesn’t really matter.  Just wear what you like and grow your hair in a way that causes you the least amount of stress.  No one is going to come up to you in the street and berate you for having a fringe with a round face.
  3. Now that you have given up on trying to understand boys,do not turn your attention to understanding men (who are, after all, just little boys with bigger and more expensive toys).  It’s even harder and will give you a migraine.
  4. Try new hair colours.  Blonde is inevitable, but these days so is pink, lilac and blue. Avoid doing that black-underneath-and-white-on-the-top style.  You WILL look like a back-to-front skunk.  Do not trust your friends who tell you you look “fabulous” with such a style.  “Fabulous” is code word for “We understand you are going through a phase and hope you grow out of it soon”.  Cover grey hair if you feel you must – don’t feel guilty or vain for doing so.  Similarly, don’t let people tell you you shouldn’t let yourself go grey.   Schnauzers are grey and they are awesome.  Do what you want and what you can afford . Unless it’s the skunk thing.
  5. Hang out with small children when you can.  It’s best if you ask their parents first. Don’t just pick up random children on the street – that is frowned upon.  And frowning causes wrinkles.
  6. Be kind.  Always.  To yourself and to others.  It is painless and gives you brownie points in heaven.  Maybe.  I’m not sure about that one.  At the very least, it makes you happier and will stop wars from happening.  Maybe, I’m not sure about that one either.
  7. Read all the books you can.  Do not waste time on books you “can’t get in to”.  Life is too short to be wasting it on books you don’t connect with.  They’re like people – some of them are just not your type and can be annoying and obnoxious, dull or long-winded.  Give them away and start a new book.  If one thing in life is guaranteed, it’s that you will NEVER run out of books.
  8. Don’t worry about getting married, or finding a boyfriend (or girlfriend) or being in a relationship at all.  You’re perfectly ok without that stuff.  Don’t settle for something just because everyone else is doing it.  You’re not everyone.  You’re you.  And you’re amazing.  If someone comes along who deserves a piece of that amazingness, by all means hold on to them for dear life.  But don’t wait for them.  They might be a little bit tardy, and you can waste a lot of time hanging around, hoping they show up.
  9. Don’t buy shoes you have trouble walking in.  You will look like a twit.
  10. At some point you will find yourself saying “Music today is RUBBISH!” and bemoaning the fact no one can write a decent song any more.  Face it, you have become your parents.  Don’t fight it.
  11. Try a nice bright lipstick.  And then immediately wipe it off because it looks ridiculous.  But yay you for trying new things!
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    Bright pink lipstick – not convinced.

     

  12. Accept and embrace other people’s lifestyles.  There are billions of people on the Earth and every one of them is a bit weird.  We’re all weird so, technically, nothing is weird.  As long as you’re not hurting children, kicking puppies or mugging old ladies, you’re fine.  You don’t have to join in with someone else’s lifestyle, but you should allow them to get on with it, as they see fit.  Mind your own business.
  13. Don’t try to be someone you’re not.  It’s too hard and makes people think you’re a wanker.  Just be you.  Crazy, perfectly imperfect YOU.  People will like you or they won’t.  Better they decide based on the real you.
  14. Be silly.  As much as you can.  If no one wants to join you, do it by yourself.  Don’t grow up – it is tiresome and makes you forget all the wonderful things that still make up life on Earth.  Believe in fairies, delight in rainbows, and remember how big the world used to seem, and how many possibilities it contained.
  15. Do own and wear comfortable, sensible underwear.  If it itches, rides up, cuts in or just makes you angry, don’t wear it.  Do not buy into the tabloid horror that is “CELEBRITY CAUGHT WEARING GRANNY KNICKERS!!!”  You are not a celebrity and, even if you are, your undergarments are your own business.  I’m sure most road rage incidents are caused by people wearing too-tight knickers.  It just makes you cranky and unable to make rational decisions.
  16. Let it go.  Forgive.  Love.  Don’t hold grudges.  Build a bridge and get over it.  Life is too short to hold on to bitterness.  It will eat you up and make you unpleasant to be around.  You will probably not get invited to parties and people will do a lot of eye-rolling around you.   Don’t be that person.  Let it go, let it go, let it go.  If that doesn’t work, makes yourself a voodoo doll and have at it.
  17. Grow a garden.  Whether that means a tiny succulent in a teacup on your window sill, or an acre of vegetables, grow something.  Nurturing another living thing is good for your soul.  It tunes you in to the Earth and life and the nature of things.  But if the tiny succulent in a teacup on your window sill dies, for Goodness’ sake get rid of it.  A dead thing is unsettling and depressing and will make you feel like a failure.
  18. Cultivate friendships.  Make time for them.  Let your friends know you love and care for them.  Be soppy about it.  People might pretend to be embarrassed  but they secretly like it.  Just knowing someone is thinking about them can brighten a person’s day and make the world a little less lonely.  Add smiley faces to your emails, be cheeky to your boss, and bring cupcakes to work to share.  Life is hard, smiles are free – to combat one, give lots of the other.  Hug.  Listen to people’s stories and remember small details to talk about later (so they know you paid attention).  Notice when someone is sad or anxious or just struggling with the weight of the world.  Just being noticed can make a big difference.
  19. Being sensitive is a good thing.  Empathy is not weakness, it is very much a strength.  Don’t let others “toughen you up” or tell you how to feel.  The world has plenty of  tough, un-empathetic, un-feeling people in it, and look where that has gotten us.
  20. You can’t fix everybody.  This is something I have taken a long time to learn, and I am not done learning it.  Be a good listener, offer practical help where you can, and support the people you love.  But do not try and fix them.  That’s not your job and you are setting yourself (and them) up for failure.  Everyone is on their own journey and it is not your job to run ahead every few miles, filling in pot-holes and watching out for pedestrians, stray dogs and traffic jams.  You can give them directions and point out a few landmarks, but you can’t drive the car for them.

So, another year older and probably not much wiser.  But that’s ok – life is a learning process, right?  I’m glad to have reached the ripe old age of forty-three.  I wouldn’t like to be twenty-three again, although I wouldn’t mind having the extra twenty years up my sleeve to do some things over.

Hope you are happy today, whatever your age 🙂

Thank you for stopping by x

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Song Lyrics for the Day : Friend of Mine

“Friend Of Mine” – Liz Phair

Not a lot of patience
You’re not a patient man
Don’t have a heart to stay with
You get it while you can
Just because you can
Get out of it

And I wasted your time, denying
That that’s the reason we fight all the time
It’s been so long since you’ve been a friend of mine

Gonna take a vacation
Stop chasing what I lack
Am I gonna get blown off
As soon as I get back
On another track
Without you

‘Cause I don’t have the heart to try
One more false start in life
It’s been so hard to get it right
Seems like the moment I catch up
The farther you fly

And I wasted your time, denying
That that’s the reason we fight all the time
It’s been so long since you’ve been a friend of mine

And I wasted your time, didn’t I?
And that’s the reason we fight all the time
It’s been so long since you’ve been a friend to me
It seems like I dreamed and now I’m waking up to daylight
What happened, when did you let go of me
I miss you so badly

It’s been so long since you’ve been a friend of mine

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Blogging Challenge – Day Three : Favourite Quote

30-day-blogging-challenge[1]

My favourite quote has been, for a long time, this one from A. A. Milne (as Christopher Robin, spoken to Winnie the Pooh) :

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

It just resonates with me.  I guess it’s something I would like someone to say to me.  I actually made this quote into a wedding card for my ex-husband but I never gave it to him.  It didn’t feel right at the time.  Probably should have paid attention to that little feeling at the time, in hindsight!  I almost use this quote as a gauge for how I feel about someone – if they’re worthy of these words, they’re a keeper.

What’s your favourite quote?  Do you have any words you live by or feel particularly strongly about?

Thank you for dropping by x

Awkwardness

Awkwardness

Bumped into my ex husband this week, after two whole years of not seeing or speaking to him.  I had been paranoid about it happening (we live in the same area) and had actually avoided shopping in some of the places I know he frequents.  I didn’t want to see him, didn’t want that awkward moment when two people who once shared a life now struggled for something to say to each other.

But it was fine.  In some ways, it was funny – the look of panic on his face as he saw me and then realised I had seen HIM and that he couldn’t avoid me ha ha.  We made some small talk and he asked me how I was doing (I felt like saying “You don’t actually get to ask that now – you had your chance…”) and then he left to pick up his dry cleaning, and I went back to my car with my groceries.  It was awkward, but not the terrifying scenario I had imagined.  I had been anxious that, on meeting him, I would either burst into tears or be really nervous or shaky or babbling incoherently or SOMETHING.  But I felt nothing, other than a supreme case of mehhhh.  I walked away thinking “Well, there THAT is…” I barely gave him another thought.  And that’s good, right?  Maybe I am stronger and more resilient than I thought. Maybe getting rid of all that stuff earlier this week actually helped me clear the funk in my brain and heart.

Today, he posted on a large information network that I belong to and I actually thought “Good for you…” (he’s organising a big symposium which is a fairly impressive and important thing to be doing) instead of grumbling under my breath.  He always had big plans and ambitions and so I can only applaud him for getting out there and doing stuff and making a name for himself.  He once told me that I wasn’t ambitious enough for him – that hurt me at the time but now I have some distance and can see a bit more clearly and not let it affect me.  And Lord knows, I’m NOT ambitious, and probably never will be, which might strike some people as annoying or as a character flaw.  Each to his (or her) own, I guess.  We’re different people, with different values and ideas on what is important.  I’m learning to be less bitter and twisted and not bear any ill-will.  Not because I think it’s ok to be treated badly, but because I think it only diminishes me if I hang on to past grievances and hurt.  Before you think I have come over all new-agey and zen, I should also say I was rather pleased to see he had gotten really fat (I’m still wavering between smugness and concern about that).  So I’m not Mother Theresa just yet – I still have a ways to go before I am a completely enlightened and forgiving being 🙂

I feel good though.  Slightly sad that feelings can change so much, but also glad that they CAN change.  Otherwise I would be stuck and miserable and wanting something that is no longer there.  To feel that it has no bearing in my life any more is a weird concept for me to grasp and I have to deal with the idea that I can’t use it as an excuse any more.  An excuse for not doing stuff and being a hermit. And excuse for not living and “getting back out there”.  Lord knows I am not ready to date again, and I don’t think I ever really want to.  I don’t get lonely and don’t feel that I have to be with someone in order to be happy.  But it would be nice to have the choice, I guess.  Anyway, baby steps.  My mother-in-law recently got back into the dating scene and now has a lovely partner.  She’s in her sixties, so I figure I can put things off for another twenty years or so at least before I need to panic.  Twenty years to get my own issues in order and be a more well-rounded human being.  Who knows, maybe I will even get some ambition!  (Gasp, horror!).

So, please forgive the self-indulgent post that I may not even post at all (although, if you’re reading this, I obviously did post it…). It’s just a big moment in my life.  Small, by other people’s comparisons, but big for me.  Another hurdle overcome.
Another fear I don’t have to worry about 🙂

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PS – I have used this photo of a caster-oil plant I have growing in my courtyard, for this post.  It’s a horrible, toxic weed, but against the bright, blue sky it looks almost beautiful.  I guess, everything is relative and depends entirely on how you choose to look at it, right?