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Smudges and Peeps and New Starts

A few more cards made over the weekend.  I stopped once I started getting “smudgy” (see last card) and making boob-boos.  In the the first card, you’ll see the little lady has “proper” arms instead of my usual stick arms.  This is because I totally screwed them up when drawing them and, too lazy to start over, needed to fix the problem.  So I cut out proper solid arms and covered over the dicky drawn ones.  So, by default, she is a plumper version of my normal Little Peeps.  I should probably resolve to do all my arms this way – it might actually result in less swearing.

Day three of my new diet and exercise regime.  I would say it is going so-so.  I had a bit of naughty moment today where I scoffed a load of chocolate.  Which is bad because a.) it is fattening, b.) I’m not supposed to eat chocolate anyway because of my kidneys, and c.) it was for other people (ie Easter gifts).  So today was a bit of a fail.  I did, however go for a long walk and did some weights afterwards so I don’t completely hate myself.  And I kinda enjoyed it for once.  One day at a time… I’m trying not to beat myself up too much about making mistakes and falling off the wagon.  I started the dreaded therapy again last night so I am committing to being kinder to myself and just being a little less obsessed about dumb stuff (like my weight and appearance).  Which is difficult when you’ve always been obsessed by that same dumb stuff and have let it rule your life.

A couple of friends at work today said I always make them feel better and know what to say when they are feeling down.  So I am trying to be that person for myself too.  I think that’s important.  I’ve been my own worst enemy for too long.

Hope you’ve had a good day today – thank you for stopping by 🙂

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Trying Again

Trying Again

So, it’s that time of year again.  Resolution time.  Last year,  I called it “New Year’s Revolutions“, and the year before that I wrote a long and detailed list of the things I wanted to change and achieve in the coming months.  I’m not very good at keeping to my resolutions.  I do try, but usually fail by about, oh, January 5th.  But the whole point of a New Year is being given another chance.  Another chance to try again.  And try I shall.

But I am also going to not limit myself to just trying at New Year’s.  Every day should be a new chance to try again.  I think part of the reason I fail is that I use the whole “New Year” thing as an excuse for not trying for the next 11 months.  But, I say optimistically, with fingers behind my back, I am done with excuses.  I am going to treat every day like New Year’s, which means I can start fresh every morning.  If I fail, I just have to keep going until I succeed.

This is my plan.  I am not good at plans so failure is almost guaranteed but I have now given myself permission to not give up.  And not quit.  I am very good at quitting but I am going to try and not do that too often this year.  There are things I need to achieve and overcome this year (too personal for even over-sharing me to discuss here) and I will not reach any of my goals if I keep giving up.  There are things about myself I need to change and fix if I am to go forward in life.

There are the usual goals about weight loss. Sigh.  How long have I been making that my New Year’s Resolution?  What, 25-30 years now?  I have yo-yoed back and forth between one weight and another for some many decades, I have no idea what my natural body shape and size is any more.  But I have hated my body at whatever size it is, and I need to stop doing that.  My body survived a life-threatening illness and I need to remember that.  I need to remember and acknowledge that it survived against all odds and kept going, no matter what.  So, if nothing else, I should treat this old rust-bucket of a body with some respect.  Sure, it’s a little flabbier and wobblier than I would like, but it’s still there.  I’m still upright and breathing, walkin’ around with all my limbs and digits and brain cells (although that last point is debatable).  So I need to try to be as healthy as I can.  Which doesn’t necessarily mean being as skinny as I can.  It means feeding my body with the right fuels and exercise.  It’s not about fitting into a tighter skirt or being able to get away with short shorts.  It’s about being healthy and fit and strong.  I haven’t been that for a long time and I really need to get my shit together where that is concerned.  My body deserves that, it really does.

I need to think about my career.  I need to seek that which will bring me fulfilment and authenticity and joy.  I don’t know if it is possible to have that in a 9-5 job, but I am going to try and find out.  I like my current job, but I don’t love it.  It doesn’t full me with excitement or happiness or anything even remotely approaching those things.  It pays my bills and gives me a sense of satisfaction some days and I am very grateful for it.  It provided me with security and emotional support when I needed it most.  But it isn’t my dream job and I have to figure out what is.  Because I really don’t know.  And time is running out.  At some point I am going to have to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, what I want to be when I grow up.  Because I truly don’t know yet. Failing that, I need to be ok with having “just a job” and acknowledge that it allows me to do the things I do enjoy in life, outside of work.  We can’t all be Oprah.  Some of us have to have the little boring jobs that keep the world turning.

I need to be less of a hoarder.  I know I say this on a weekly basis, but seriously, I just need to learn to let go of things.  Things are not people.  I can let go of a bunny ornament someone gave me in the fifth grade.  They will not mind if I give it away now.  The world will not collapse and I am not a bad person if the Christmas card I got in 1983 from a classmate ends up in the recycling bin (seriously, I just found that card today and struggled with getting rid of it). I have to learn to hold on to memories, instead of stuff.  But it is hard.

I need to start learning to say No.  I need to be ok with saying No and not feel guilty about it or try and make up for it by doing more than the original request asked for.  I need to learn not explain my No – the No itself should be enough.

I really, really need to learn to like myself a little more.  Or at all.  I don’t know how to do this, and if you have any suggestions, please send ’em on over.  I don’t know how to like what I see in the mirror.  I don’t know how to not lie awake at night thinking about all the things I did wrong in the day, all the mistakes I made and how many people I let down.  I need to stop thinking of myself as ugly and useless.  But it’s really hard to break the habit of a lifetime.  And how do you change the way you look to yourself – get new eyeballs?  I need an Instagram filter for my own eyes.

I need to learn to deal with my social anxiety.  Deal with it and accept it and learn coping strategies.  Because I am not going to become a social butterfly overnight.  I don’t even know that I want to.  I just want to be free of the terror that comes with invitations to parties and weddings and shindigs.  I want to be able to accept these invitations happily and easily and not dread their impending hour.  I need to be ok with NOT accepting them too.  I need to not beat myself up about not going to things.  I’m not a terrible person, after all, if I decide that a pub crawl is not my thing or if time spent at a Hen’s Night is enough to make me want to gouge my own spleen out.  But I do need to be better at social stuff.  It is hard every day for me, just interacting with human beings in general, and I need to be able to take that off my stress list.  Again, I don’t know how to do this, but I am going to try and figure it out.

I need to grow up financially.  I need to budget better and spend less on frivolous things.  I need to seriously look at buying a house.  Which will mean buying somewhere that is in a suburb less lovely than the one I currently rent in.  I cannot afford to buy here and I need to accept that.  Or get a better-paying job.  Or marry someone really rich (ha!  kidding!).  I don’t actually know if I can afford to buy anywhere, but I need to look in to it and find out for sure.  I need to sort out my future security and top up my superannuation and prepare for the impending zombie apocalypse on my own.  I need to secure my future.  And I need to have my own place so I can get a cat.  This is more important than anything.

I need to laugh and smile more.  I need to fake it ’til I make it.

I need to go to bed earlier and sleep better.

I need to get up earlier and do more in my day.

I need to ask for a pay rise.

I need to delegate better at work.  I have an assistant – she should be assisting me.
And I have to let her.

I have to stop being scared of men.

I need to stop comparing myself to other women.

I need to hug more and allow myself to be hugged.

I need to swim more and not worry about what I look like in bathers.  I love the beach – why am I not there all the time?

I really do need to learn to use chopsticks.

I have to travel.  At least one destination per year from now on.

I need to stop trying to fix people and their problems.  I can’t help everyone and I should sort my own stuff out first, before I concentrate on other people’s issues.

I need to express my disapproval of racist/sexist/bigoted jokes and comments when in social situations.  Saying nothing is not good enough anymore.

I need to stop procrastinating.  In regards to everything.

I’m going to write more.  Writing is what I love to do and, even if it’s just for me, I need to make time to do it.

I need to breathe more.

I need to practice gratitude.

I need to be kinder to myself.

I am going to try and not feel guilty about having restful days.  I’m not good at relaxing or doing nothing – and I think you sometimes have to give yourself permission to do that so you can rest and recuperate and give your body and mind some breathing space.

I need to be more ecologically friendly and responsible.

I need to see more people and be less hermit-like.  Whether I like it or not to begin with.

I need to just be. And be ok with whatever and whoever I am.  Because I am tired of fighting ME.  And I’m nearly 42.  Enough already 🙂

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Sorry for the long post.  As always, it is more for me than anyone else. I hope you have a lovely New Year’s and that the year ahead is happy, successful, fulfilling and authentic.  I hope you have love and laughter, joy and positive experiences.  Learn lots, love lots and let go.

Happy New Year everyone – see you in 2016 x

Trainwreck

Trainwreck

So, (and yes, I do start a lot of my conversations with “so”.  Like a teenager. I do not ever use “LOL” or “OMG” or any of those annoying abbreviations, so I figure I am allowed to say “So” at the beginning of conversations, blog posts and any other form of communication if I want to.) I went to see the movie Trainwreck with a friend tonight.  It’s not the kind of movie I would generally watch, but I really enjoyed it.  Amy Schumer is great.  I even found myself tearing up during the emotional bits – the sad, ugly crying bits where Amy realises she is a bit of a screw up and wants to join the human race.

But then I start wondering, what is wrong with me? Why am I watching this film, which is supposed to be hilariously funny, and getting all boo-hooey? Nobody who reviewed Trainwreck said “Make sure you bring your tissues – this one’s a real tear-jerker!” It’s not the kind of film you recommend your Mum sees, because it’s “so adorable” and sweet and romantic.  Well, I guess it is those things, in a “look-at-that-girl-she’s-such-a-mess-she’s-adorable” kind of way.  But it’s not, y’know, Sleepless in Seattle.

There are several reasons I can think of that would make me get teary in relation to such a film:

  1. I am hormonal. Everything makes me cry right now. Seriously. Big ugly, snotty blubbing.
  2. Amy Schumer is supposedly the “bigger” girl in Hollywood right now and is always (in interviews) putting herself down as the chunky/overweight/ugly/clumsy/unattractive girl.  If she is chunky, I am in trouble.  I saw her run in heels – that ain’t clumsy.  She wears skirts shorter than some belts I own and they’re ain’t nothin’ wrong with her legs.  I find this depressing.  If she is considered overweight and unattractive, I may as well pack up shop now and move to somewhere very remote where people do not venture.  Seriously, I should begin my career as a hermit yak herder in Siberia.  I don’t know if hermit yak herders are something you have in Siberia but it seems like a good plan.  Basically, I should just go somewhere isolated and uninhabited.  A lighthouse on the moon, that sort of thing.
  3. I am lonely.  I don’t feel lonely, but every now and then something will happen that reminds I am alone and quite possibly will be forever.  Most of the time that is ok, but combine it with suddenly feeling grossly obese and monstrously hideous, and it becomes overwhelming.  Sure, Amy’s character is a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed drunk who sleeps around, but hey, she looks attractive doing it and she has nice hair.  I just dyed mine a really weird dark red colour which was a big mistake and will take ages to wash out so not only do I feel fat and ugly, I have weird hair.
  4. Despite the fact, Amy’s character is basically, well, a trainwreck, she still manages to get the greatest guy ever who is lovely and sweet and caring and smart and funny and wonderful.  That makes me sad.  Where is the guy who will fall in love with cookie-bingeing, hormonal, messy, disorganised, slightly mental me?  I don’t even do drugs!  Or drink!  I can’t even have chocolate!  Gimme a break people!

So, there are those reasons.  At the moment I am feeling decidedly revolting due to having a few weeks leave where I haven’t been able to exercise at all (because I am normally so diligent about that…not!) and have basically consumed my entire body weight in cookies and cake and other foods that do not look remotely like carrot sticks or celery.  I tried on several pairs of jeans tonight and only one out of four pairs fit me.  In the end, I gave up and put on my fat pants.  Even they were a little less roomy than I remember them.  I think I could have watched any movie tonight and it would have made me sad.  Because I am fatter than I would like to be and, even worse, it is my own fault.  I know I can lose it again.  I lost 30kg before (ok, it was actually 28kg, but I like to round it up to a nice even number…it sounds more impressive) and I can do it again.  But it seems so hard.  And lonely.  And HARD.  Almost too hard.  I’ll be 42 in six months’ time.  I should be over this stuff already. I’m tired of hating myself.

I feel bad for even feeling bad.  I mean, people are starving in the world and I’m whinging because I eat too much?  Boo-hoo, poor me.  I have fat legs?  How sad.  Some people don’t even have legs! (But, to be fair, I have had meningitis and risked losing my limbs so…ok, that’s not even an argument worth having).  Basically, I have NOTHING to complain about.

I don’t even know what this post is about.  Tomorrow I will read it and call myself an idiot and make a mental note never to blog when I am hormonal or sad or wallowing in self-hatred.  Which will probably mean I never blog again.  Which might be a relief to some people.

If you’re having one of these days, know that you are not alone.  Let us wallow together.  I will make tea and NOT offer you a cookie (because we’re both on diets now).  It will be better tomorrow and if not, the day after that might be ok.

Apologies for late-night whinging.  Thank you for listening.

 x

Small Accomplishments (Hey, I’ll take what I can get!)

Small Accomplishments (Hey, I’ll take what I can get!)

Howdy folks!  It’s the start of another week and the year is just flying by.  It seems that each week gets shorter and shorter and in no time at all it will be Christmas again.  I had wanted to achieve so much by the middle of the year, but it is already past that and I am no closer to my goals.  But, with four months until the end of the year, maybe I still have time to accomplish some things.

This weekend just gone I managed to complete one thing that had been on my to-do list since, ahem, February: I got my hair cut.  I am terrible at getting regular trims – I just don’t do it.  I don’t even think about it and when I do, it always seems like there is something better to spend my money on (always the cheapskate).  However, this time, the slowly-spreading tide of grey in my hair made it impossible for me to ignore the chop any longer.  I wanted it to be a bit shorter so it would be easier to dye (and also cheaper – God, I really AM a cheapskate!) and I had liked it last time I got it cut so I made the appointment and made the commitment to go.  I coloured it as soon as I got home – the grey had to go!  What do you think?

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The weather has been lovely over the last few days – still cold inside but beautiful sunny weather outside.  Perfect for getting the dreaded washing done (another tick on my list – there is only so much you can hang on an airer in your lounge room…sheets and towels really need a good sunny day to get dry) and for soaking up some Vitamin D.  I had a delicious lunch out with my best friend and we had a nice catch-up over a cup of tea at my house.  We don’t get to see each other much due to family and work commitments, so it was great to spend some time together.

I managed to get a little bit of crafting done.  I have some orders to get done for my lovely friend K who has always been my biggest supporter, in terms of my jewellery work.  She left a bag of beads at my door a couple of weeks ago, with a list of what she wanted me to make from it, plus some instruction for fixing a couple of things for her that had broken (she will insist on wearing everything in the swimming pool or in the ocean and they don’t hold up well to that sort of activity).  She’s probably reading this right now – hello K! *waves*  She had bought a large turquoise bead to make a necklace for her friend with.  I made this one in a similar style to one I had made for K earlier:

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Next up was an “ethnic”-inspired necklace using a large, yellow Nepalese bead she had bought ages ago.  I paired it with some similar amber beads and a couple of turquoise ones I bought a while back.  Hope she likes it:

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K had also left me some lovely red coral beads, which she wanted made into a bracelet.  That was easy enough (and there’s plenty left over so I will make something else for her too…):

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I did try and make some cards much I am still struggling with that for some reason.  I just can’t get my groove back, with regards to cards.  I’m hoping it’s just the cold weather (I blame everything on that…) and that when Spring comes I will be inspired and able to make some nice cards.  I did complete one, but I don’t like it at all so I’m not going to show you!

Today was a work day so no crafting for me.  We had a fire drill in the afternoon which was actually pretty organised and we all got a pat on the back for doing what we were supposed to do in an emergency.  I am a deputy fire warden – I am not good at being forceful with people but everyone got out when I told them to and no one got cranky at me for sounding the air horn (bloody awful things they are!).  Other than that, an uneventful day (the kind I like!).

I did take time out to go for a walk around town in my lunch break and I just happened to find myself in an op-shop, looking for beads (like I need any more!).  
I couldn’t resist these beautiful acid-green ones:

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…or these pretty little glass ones that look like ice chips :

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…there was also a couple of bracelets for 50c that had some interesting beads on them:

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My main reason for going out was to get up off my butt and get away from my desk.  I am bad at taking breaks – sometimes I just eat lunch at my desk, sometimes I forget lunch altogether or have it at some ridiculous time.  I am trying desperately to lose some weight and I have not been exercising at all lately.  I blame it (again) on the cold weather but really I am just lazy and a bit of a hermit.  I have now filled my fridge and freezer with healthy foods, lots of fruit and veggies so I have no excuse for being a heifer and snacking on “bad” things.  I need to say “no thank you” to the food that is constantly being offered at work.  No to the Monday chai latte from the coffee van.  No to the afternoon cookie break.  No to the sweets and in-between-meals snacking.  Boy, that is a lot of “No’s”!  I used to be a lot bigger than I am now (like, A LOT bigger) and I do not want to go down that path again.  It’s so hard though and I am an emotional eater so food is a bit of a friend / enemy for me.  Anyway, I am going to try hard to be good 90% of the time, with a few treats here and there, and try and walk every day.  This is the plan.  I have no excuse and I have given myself until the end of the year to lose 3-5kg.  You are my witnesses!  Be kind if I fail 🙂

Hope you accomplished lots of what you wanted to get done today.  If not, there’s always tomorrow – that “to-do” list will still be there! 

x

Sometimes we all need a gentle kick up the backside

Sometimes we all need a gentle kick up the backside

Sometimes people surprise you.  Sometimes they disappoint you.  But, sometimes, if you’re really lucky, they surprise you in wonderful, loving ways.  Take today for instance.  I had just finished posting on Facebook that I was about to start on a new diet regime, go back on Weight Watchers and try and lose some weight before I turn forty next year.  A reply, posted by my cousin’s husband, popped up shortly after.  It made me cry:

Geez , you are beautiful just the way you are. We don’t want you looking like Portia or Calista Flockhart. Wit and personality beats those skinny b$%*&’s any day. Let me tell you that you have more wit and personality than any person I know.

Also getting to forty should not be about counting points or worrying about how you look(which is amazing) but a celebration of what you have achieved. I should not need remind you but I will, you survived against all odds and have inspired more kinship and family in any person that I know. All I can say is f(?&@ weight watchers and just be you. I am sure that I speak on behalf of everyone, we love you for being you.

Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for ourselves and focus on the wrong things – in my case, the little bit of weight I have put on and a general feeling of blah – and we forget that the people who love us love us for just being us.  It’s a lesson I need to be reminded of (shame on me) and perhaps I would do well to just think about all the good things I do have in my life and not about the few extra pounds that have crept on over the last year or so.  So to Tony, I say thank you.  Feel free to kick my butt every now and then.  🙂