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Little Monsters

Lots of little monsters in my head at the moment.  The doubt and fear monsters, the “am I doing the right thing?” monsters, the “what am I doing with my life?” monsters and all the other noisy little beasties that plague my brain. To be honest, I am feeling completely lost and anxious and unsure about everything. I don’t know what the heck I am doing or what I SHOULD be doing or if anything I am doing is right or a waste of time.  I feel like I am not being a good friend or daughter or sister or employee or ANYTHING right now.

The drama with the house purchase continues and is threatening to drive me completely crackers.  It’s been such a long, drawn-out process, with no one on either side seeming in the least bit competent or able to do their job efficiently.  I am trying to keep it together – the last few weeks I have done exactly the opposite and have had several meltdowns and hissy fits – and am attempting to be assertive and in control of the situation.  My natural tendency is to run around, trying to fix everything and do everyone’s job for them.  But not this time – I have to do what is required of me and no more.

So, with house dramas and a sick Mum (my fault – I gave her my lurgy; I’m a terrible daughter), work stress and a general feeling of just wanting to stay in bed forever, the little monsters are running amok.  I haven’t been doing any crafting at all (just can’t settle my brain to it, plus I am packing and culling) and that isn’t good for me either.  So I did some doodling.  The idea of the monsters was on my mind, so that’s what I drew.

If only all worries and scary thoughts could be put on to paper and made less frightening…  I think I could take on this little guy and win.

Hope your day is free from monsters x

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Blogging Challenge – Day Five : Your Proudest Moment

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This is a tricky one.  I have the world’s worst self-esteem so I don’t know that I ever feel proud of myself.  Which I should probably work on, I know.  I like to think my proudest moment is yet to come – that something really great is just around the corner, and that I’m not “done” yet.

Today I am proud of myself for signing mortgage papers.  Proud, and terrified.  I’m proud of myself for taking this giant leap into adulthood (albeit a few decades late) and I am proud that I didn’t back out or delay it for another few years.  I am proud (and somewhat surprised) that I am even in the position to be buying a house.  Me!  Little, timid, non-ambitious Me!  I am buying a house!  It’s kinda crazy and hard to believe, because I really didn’t think it was something I would ever be brave enough to do.

There is lots of fear – will I be able to afford it, long term?  What happens if I lose my job?  What if I have made a terrible mistake?  All those things go through my mind a million times a day.  Which I am sure is normal.  It might be the one time in my life I am having normal thoughts!  But I can’t live in fear forever – I have to put my big girl pants on and be a grown-up and stop hiding behind my worries.

There is still settlement to get through and that will be a long and drawn-out process, if the rest of the experience is anything to go by.  But I have to just trust it will be ok and get sorted eventually.  I will be proud of myself for staying calm, if I can do that, and holding my ground if negotiations go awry.  I hope it is settled on time though, and without further complications, because I am not brave and I am not very good at handling anything outside of my usual realm of daily drama.  I have very little reserves, to be honest.  Something else I should work on.  Add it to the list.

So, today I am allowing a little pride to creep in.  It’s an uneasy pride, but it’s there nevertheless.  Just because I have come a long way and am doing this on my own and making big decisions and securing my future, as best as I can, in my own way.  If I can keep meltdowns and conniption-fests to a minimum, that will really be something to be proud of.  But we still have moving day to get through yet, so let’s not get too optimistic 🙂

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Have a happy day everyone and be proud of yourselves x

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Love and Miracles

Just a short post today… A bit of a stressful weekend just gone, with my elderly Aunt in intensive care at the hospital due to cardiac issues, my friend experiencing relationship dramas, another friend in serious ill-health in another hospital, and life just chucking stuff at everyone left, right and centre.  I just want everybody to be ok 😦

But I did fit in an hour or so of crafting.  I was determined.  Even one card is better than achieving nothing at all.  So I sat and made this one little card, which isn’t fabulous, but it is finished.  And it has a bird, which makes everything better.

I do so want to believe in love and miracles.  Especially at the moment.

x

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Colours of the Sand and Sea

I am having some time off this week – partly because it is my birthday week, but mostly because I just need a break.  Things have been getting on top of me a little – family worries, work stress and friends in trouble – and I just needed to take one of those issues out the equation, at least for a week.  I’ve spent some time at the beach and that has helped clear my head a little and calm my frayed nerves.  But it can’t make everything go away, or fix everybody for me.

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I’ve been trying to be creative and use my time wisely but I have mostly slept a lot and faffed about, not really achieving anything.  I haven’t been sleeping at night so I stupidly took a full dose of my sleep medication a couple of nights ago.  I haven’t had it in ages (have been trying to wean myself off everything but the absolute essentials) and so it kinda hit me like a tonne of bricks.  Yesterday I slept ALL DAY.  Terrible.  Such a waste of time.  Today I am still dopey and a bit spaced out.  I’ve been trying to make cards but it has been a difficult process with my eyes not focusing properly and my brain a bit frazzled.  I did manage to finish off a couple of jewellery pieces – Lord knows how when I can barely see what I am doing – and so at least the day hasn’t been a total waste.

The colours here remind me of the beach.  The turquoise blue of the sea and the pale yellow of the sand and shoreline.  My favourite place to be is near the ocean. I hope the eventual owner of this set will feel the same serenity and calm that the sea brings to me.

Sorry for the short post today.  Hope you are all happy and well x

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Goodbye Girls

Goodbye Girls

Hello peeps!  I’m back!  Back in my own little house after my breast reduction surgery two weeks ago.  My Mum took very good care of me and now she is staying with me for a few days just to help me get settled and sorted (ie do some of the “heavier”  housework for me because I still have to be careful, physically).  So, how was the surgery?  Honestly, I can say it was pretty non-eventful.  I went in one afternoon at noon, had the surgery at about 4:30 and was discharged the next morning at 9am.  No stress, no drama, not much pain and I’m now kicking myself that I didn’t do this a decade ago.

Seriously, I thought I would be in A LOT more pain.  I had steeled myself for excruciating agony but it was more like mild discomfort and a bit of stinging.  I didn’t even take the prescribed pain meds.  I just took regular paracetamol every few hours for the first week and then kept forgetting to even take that.  Now, I am told, I do have a very high pain threshold anyway but, honestly, it was no big deal.  Yes, it hurt, but not in some agonising, making-you-want-to-cry kind of way.  Actually, the second week was worse as I think all the nerve endings starting doing their thing and so it was tingly and raw, like being sunburned.  Also, I got a nice dose of PMS, so that always makes me swell up etc. This is way too much information for you…

There was no bleeding or oozing or horrible bruising.  After a few days I did come out in a rather fetching yellow discolouration (y’know how bruises go that weird yellowy colour?) but that was nothing exciting.  I slept well, after the first night or two when it was a bit difficult to get a good sleeping position, and really had no ill-effects at all.  Tiredness, I guess – but I suppose healing takes it out of you physically, plus getting over having an anaesthetic etc.

I have to wear a surgical bra for weeks.  All day, every day.  I have dressings that need changing every now and then but a nurse does that for me and Mum and I just add extra bits if needed (sometimes the edges curl up and you need to stick ’em back down with something!).  I’m glad Mum didn’t have to do anything too awful – she’s not good with blood and guts.  The only thing she really needed to do for me in that way was blow-dry my chest ha ha.  Yep, the dressings had to be dry before I got dressed after a shower, so I had to stand in the lounge room with Mum blow-drying my boobs!  The things we do…

So I am gingerly getting back to normal but not doing any heavy lifting or anything that requires me to stretch my arms out too far.  I am able to drive – thank the Gods! – so at least can get out of the house now.  I have a couple more weeks off work so hopefully the discomfort will improve gradually and I will be able to do more each day.  I have put on loads of weight, not doing anything and eating too much, but I am trying not to worry about that too much.  I will get back to exercising and eating better soon.

So that’s it.  Wish I had done it before and would recommend it to anyone considering it.  My surgeon was awesome and worth every penny.  The care I got at the hospital was wonderful and the aftercare has been great too.  I am looking forward to the final result once all the swelling has gone down.  I LOOK smaller – not just in that area but all over.  I feel better in myself.  I didn’t realise how much I hated my “girls” and how self-conscious I was, but even in terms of not having the weight of them pulling at my neck and back, things are so improved already.

Here’s to better things, smaller worries and a happier me.

x